The jokes only thread....

A lady had a son, and she named him "Butt Itches". A few years later he had his first day of school. The teacher went around the room asking everyone to state their name...when it came round to "Butt Itches". The teacher asked "What is your name?" He replied "Butt Itches". At first she thought this was a joke so she decided asked again. "What Is your name?" He replied with the same answer, "...Butt Itches". The Teacher, who was now furious, asked once more and added, "If you don't tell me your name I'm going to spank you and send you to the principal." And again he replied with the same answer, "Butt Itches". The teacher spanked him and took him to the principal. Where he was asked three times what his name was, and all three times the reply was still, "Butt Itches". Then the principal also became furious and spanked Butt Itches, but the principal spanked Butt Itches too hard and he died. At the funeral his mom said,
"Oh, my poor Butt Itches". And the preacher said "Well, scratch it.
 

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain.

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

There, I told you so - and there's nothing you can do about it.

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
 
This is what all of us 70 - 80 year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!!
This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so another guy's wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
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A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 
Best Pick up Lines comebacks

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man – Can I buy you a drink?
Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!
Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?
Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.
Man – Is this seat empty?
Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man – So what do you do for a living?
Woman – I’m a female impersonator.
 
Adam and Eve Joke
Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve,
like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam
showed up one hour late for supper. By the time Adam finally came home
Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.
“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve.
“Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand,
“I just lost track of the time.”
Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act her overactive
imagination could not be calmed. That night after two hours of restlessly
turning in her bed, enough was enough.
“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” Hollered Adam jumping out of bed.
“YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back,
“NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH
COUNTING THOSE RIBS
 
A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money. The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked
“if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.” “Don’t be ridiculous”
the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked. “No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.” “Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked. Annoyed the beggar replied,
“No, I just need money for food, and shelter. “In that case” the lady said
“I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me
and my husband tonight.” “Why?” The beggar asked. “Well, ”the lady said
“I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks
like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”
 
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
 
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist.
The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked,
"What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman."
Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and
asked the guy the same question. The guy responded,
"A naked woman on a bed."
This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert."
The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here.
You're the one who keeps showing me all of those naughty pictures."
 
A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the
hospital to undergo some tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital,
and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results
back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty
STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
 
A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem.
The doctor said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea."
The patient protested, "But, Doc, I love tea." The doctor replied,
"Well, okay, as long as you take the spoon out.
************************************************************************************
A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later, the man complained to the doctor that the suppositories hadn't produced the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.
"What do you think I've been doing," replied the man, "shoving them up my butt?"
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One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
 
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next week.

***********************************************************



Two men are talking and one says to the other,
“My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man,
has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms
of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this
menopause will be listed as the cause on your death on your Death
certificate.”

**********************************************************************
 
A lawyer makes out a will for a client. She pays him with a crisp new $100 bill.
Later on, the lawyer discovers that the new $100 bill is actually two $100 bills stuck together.
His dilemma: Should he tell his partner?

A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 

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