The jokes only thread....

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "works for ketchup."
 

A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.

In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
 
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.
Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman,
"I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"
“Sure!" replies Jim. How could he refuses such a sexy offer.
Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk
asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!"
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling
on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies,

"That's me before my operation!"
 
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair,
light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short.
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns
to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me.
Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything
that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away.

The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
 
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
  • Too many cheetahs
  1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
  2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
  3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
  5. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
 


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