The jokes only thread....

Ex-Wife!

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new

wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was

standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks,

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married

I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"

George retorts, "I wasn't..."
 
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that
most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,
so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying,
"I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides
to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her,
"I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands
him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to
get home from work, and greets him with,
"I know the whole truth." The father promptly
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying,
"I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops
the mail, opens his arms, and says,

"Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
 

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again.

Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher.
Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife,
"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex
during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,
"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her,
"My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her,
"So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful famil
y."
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him;
it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him."
Have sex with him whenever he wants to

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year,
I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
 
Doris’s husband died, very unexpectedly. A few weeks after the funeral, her next door neighbour was asking her what happened. “ Oh, Bert and me decided to have some carrots from the garden with our roast dinner, and whilst he was out in the garden, he had a fatal heart attack.” “ My goodness,” replied her neighbour,, “ Whatever did you do?” “ Well,” says Doris,,, “ I opened a tin of peas instead
 
Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps
a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too - you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!
 
A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice say's "Nice Tie!!".



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip, and again the voice says "Nice shirt Too!!!".



Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice.



The bartender says "Oh never mind that! That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary!!
 
Oh boy......

Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the ticket, one Ranger turned to the other and said, "How do you spell Waxahachie? "~~~The other one replied, "I don't know. "~~~So the first one said, "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong it will get dismissed. "~~~The second Ranger said, "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco? "
 
Things you should know about Marriage

It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband
was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride
was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?”
she said sexily.”Not in your life!” he replied.
“My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and
I’m not going to miss it for anything!”

******************************************************************************


On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”
She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

******************************************************************************


A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if
in all those years he had ever thought of divorce.
“Heavens no,” he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”

***************************************************************************


Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon.
I assume that’s where they’re going anyway.
When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he

said he was going to Bangor for two weeks…
 
GROAN........



A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools " together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!! "Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!! "The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice. The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!! "She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord? " The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager. "
 
Faithless and helpful

A couple on their25'th anniversary:

He: Thank you, Dear, for 25 years of faithful companionship.

She: Something has been bothering me, and I need to make a confession to you.
I have not been 100% faithful. Actually, there were 3 occasions.

He, completely devastated: Tell me why. Haven't I given you everything - a beautiful
home, a luxurious life style, prestige in the community? Tell me about the first one.

She: Remember when you wanted to buy this house and the bank said you didn't make
enough money for the loan? Well - I visited the bank president and we got the house.

He: Well, you did it so we would have a nice place to live, so I forgive you. What was
the second time?

She: Remember when the top job of sales manager was open and you wanted that job
but the CEO had someone else in mind? Well, I had a meeting with the CEO and you
got the job.

He: You did it so we could have enough money to live comfortably, so I forgive you.
When was the third time?

She: Remember when you wanted to be president of the country club and needed
31 more votes to get elected? Well, - - - - - -
 

Back
Top