The jokes only thread....

Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
One man said fondly; “ I dreamed I was on vacation.”
It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.
“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”
His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me? “Oh, I did,” said the other,
“but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”
 

Information about Men
1. Men are like .......Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
2. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
3. Men are like .......Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
4. Men are like .Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
5. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
6. Men are like ........Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
7. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
8. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like .....Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
10. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
11. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

 
A blonde asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?"
"Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

The blonde said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
********************************************************************************

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
You give them a shampoo that says "rinse, wash, and repeat."

*****************************************************************
A blonde was driving along the highway and approached a service station with a sign that read, "Clean Restrooms."
So she did.

********************************************************
 

A lovey dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the park and she says,
“My ear hurts me…” He kisses it gently and asks, “Is it better now, my darling?”
“It’s all gone,” giggles the girl, “but now I have a pain here,” and she points to her neck.
The boykisses it tenderly and asks, “Better now, sweet pea?” “It’s all healed, my love!
But now I have a very bad pain here,” she replies and points to her clavicle. “Excuse me,”
politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench, “this is really impressive!
Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?”
 
A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for advice.
The boss says, "You know, if it were me, I'd just go home and
let my wife really take care of me in all aspects, if you know what I mean. Now go and do just that, Roger, you look pretty bad." -
The guy gratefully leaves and comes back the next day, looking much better. -
"So, how was it?" asks the boss, "Everything alright?" - "Yes," replies the guy,
"I feel much better, thank you. By the way, you have really nice furniture!"
 
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw

Because he's just......

.

.

.

.

... a commontator
 

Two old ladies

Fanny and Mary, two small and elderly ladies living in a retirement community in Florida are sitting on a porch and enjoying some cold ice tea after a game of bingo. They've been gossiping for a while, when suddenly Fanny asks:

'Mary, dear, you and your Frank have been happy in marriage, right?'

Mary smiled and nods, her eyes get misty at the memories.

'Ah, yes. God bless his soul, Frank was a wonderful husband and father.'

Fanny nods to herself, starts fidgeting with her glass, and then asks in a much quieter voice"

'Dear, have you and Frank...have the two of you ever have mutual orgasm?' the old lady blushes while asking, and Mary looks at her thoughtfully, clearly thinking back to her marriage.

'You know, Fannie...I think we had State Farm'
 
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play.
When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was.
She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot.
This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question.
She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought
"nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid."

The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked.
The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed.
"Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed."

Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already?
I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife."
Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room."

Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food.
The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?"
And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her,
she just told me I wasn't clean enough."

The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did.
He waited for hours and hours. Right near the end of his shift, the man
finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired.
"There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?"

"I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying
"We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
 
Drawing God



A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
 
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