The jokes only thread....

Edward was married for just one year. One day, he received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100, we will kidnap your wife."
Edward wrote back, " See? friend, I am afraid I can't give you my promise?
$100 is too much for me? I hope you will keep your promise intact."

************************************************************************

A US guy came to India. He met an annoying Bengali, who asked too many questions.
He asked the American whether he has a son.
The American: Nope
Bengali fellow: "I am so sorry, but, is your wife is impregnable?"
The American: "Well, um, that's not exactly the word,"
Bengali Fellow: "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
The American: "Um, not quite --"
Bengali fellow said I think she is what unbearable?"
The American fellow jumped, "Well, exactly, that's pretty much sums it up.
***************************************************************************


Brutus asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, how did you become so rich?"
Grandpa: "Well, son, it was 1928 - the time of the Great Depression. I was lost in the financial crisis. I invested $10 in buying some chocolates. I sold them for $50. Again, the next day I bought apples pricing $40.
I again sold them at a profit. I had made up roughly $40 in one week. In the meanwhile, my wife's father died and left us 100 million dollars."
 
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. ~~~She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions. " ~~~She says, "Why all the clocks in the window? "~~~And he says, "And what should I have in my window? "
 

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow.
He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset
he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead
and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up
and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid.
She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what.
If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life.
But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him.
Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where
he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother.
He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to
perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive."
He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying?
That's what happened to the cow."
 
Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?"
asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"
Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.
" Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother,
"You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
 
Three men were in a hospital visiting room, waiting for their pregnant wives who were in labour at the labour room. Minutes later, a nurse came and asked, who is Mr Timi that works with 3 crowns milk? Mr. Timi said: It’s me!
The nurse said: congratulations sir, your wife has just given birth to triplets.
The nurse went in, came out again, and asked: Who is Mr Dan that works with 7 up bottling company?
Mr Dan said: It’s me! The nurse said: congratulation sir!
Your wife has just delivered 7 babies. As the nurse went inside,
the third man who works with 33 lager beer fainted!
 
A well-heeled gentleman walks into a pet store in London looking to buy a dog. “Something unique,” he tells the shop owner.

“Come this way,” says the shopkeep, and leads the man to the back of the store and to a small, mangy-looking dog in a cage.

“What’s this?” The man asks.

“That, my dear sir, is a Rarie. Only a handful are known to exist.”

“I said I was looking for something unique, not a street mutt.”

“Ah,” says the shopkeep, “but the Rarie has a special talent. He’s a talking dog.”

“A talking dog?” the man asks dubiously. “Have him say something then.”

“Oh, he can’t talk yet; he’s just a pup. But take him home, care for him well, and by the time he’s an adult he’ll start talking.”

“Interesting,” says the man. “How much?”

“Five thousand pounds.”

So the man pays the shopkeep and takes the dog home.

As per the shop owner’s instructions, he brushes the dog daily, feeds him a rich diet, and allows him to sleep in his bed.

After one year the dog has grown to an impressive size, but has not uttered a word.

So the man waits another year. “Come on boy,” the man encourages. “Say something.”

But the dog just lets out a huff and walks away. This goes on year after year.

After five years the man is exasperated. He calls the shop and demands his money back. The shopkeep informs him there are no refunds.

The man slams down the phone, eyes the sleeping dog, and says, “Well then I’ll be rid of you once and for all.”

He drives the dog to the mountains, parks atop the highest peak, and drags him by the collar to the edge of a cliff. He’s about to hurl the dog over the side when he hears a voice.

“‘Allo,” says the dog. “What’s all this then?”

“I’ve had you for five years and you haven’t said a word,” says the man in a deranged voice. “So I’m going to tip you over the edge of this cliff.”

“You’re going to do what?” asks the dog. “Tip me over this cliff?!?”

“That’s right,” says the man.

The dog looks down over the precipice. “My, that’s a long way to tip a Rarie.”
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
CFBEBC07-7871-413B-B306-B1A06C86BB92.jpeg
 
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
The Last Kiss...

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers, were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George a Marine and their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin’?

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...
Click to expand...
 
The company Pfizer, which just announced the vaccine against Covid-19 soon, is the same company that created ******. Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they will much more easily cure the living.

...but Trump is fuming mad because he believes that Pfizer deliberately delayed their announcement until after the election. However, Pfizer responded by telling him the company is about erections not elections.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
Number 8 Cracked me up!
Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad"
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later.. "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
**************************************************************************************
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair,
light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short.
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says,
"Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies,
"I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away.
The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
****************************************************************************
Two men are talking and one says to the other,
“My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man,
has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?”
The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
**************************************************************************

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby.
Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets."
The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"
 

Back
Top