The jokes only thread....

At a party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest- a large,
oversexed woman making advances to her husband. She tried to ignore
it until they disappeared into a bedroom together. Immediately she rushed into the room,
pulled the two apart and yelled: “Look, lady!
My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t install them!”

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Three men were fishing and one man says, "I think I caught something” so he reels it in.
it was a magic lamp. A genie popped out of it and said "I’ll grant you 3 wishes one each"
the first guy said 'I want to be 2 times as smart as I am now' so the genie snapped his
fingers and he started saying all this shakes beer stuff that he's never heard before.
The second guy says 'alright, I want to be 3 times as smart as I am now.'
so the genie snaps his fingers and he starts saying all this world war two stuff
that he's never heard before. Then the third guy says "I want
be ten times as smart as I am now” the genie says 'no you don’t’ the guy says
'yeah, I do’ the genie gives in and snaps his fingers an turns him into a girl.

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Who’s the world’s best salesman?
A married man who can make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her
underwear in his car.
 

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher:
“Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said:
“I bet you fifty bucks that you can’t reach up and touch that meat
hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.”
“But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am,” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”
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Louise was away from home on Thanksgiving Day for the first time and she was missing her home and family desperately. Louise decided to
cook a turkey herself, just like her Mum used to, so that she could feel closer to her family.

Louise returned home for the celebrations and recounted her experience to her Mum saying,
'Mum. it was so difficult to eat the turkey.'

'Why was that, dear' asked Mum in a concerned way, 'was it not cooked properly?'

'How would I know?' responded Louise, 'it wouldn't sit still.
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A minister is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and
the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the minister moves closer
to the boy's position, and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the minister smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
 
Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.

After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'

Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'
 
As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth,
reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and
sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks
at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the
butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the
garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing?
This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds,
“Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
 
It’s Friday!!!

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
 
What body part grows 10 times its size when stimulated?

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework, And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after
work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of
a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous
that the woman could not help but stare. The man noticed that he was the
object of the woman’s rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered
in her ear. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft
“Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized,
for fifty dollars. There’s just one condition…” Trembling with anticipation,
the woman asked him the condition. The man said, “You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words.” The women gazed into his hypnotic
considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty
She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear…
*
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Clean My House
 
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”, When she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it.
She would kill me!!” “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again,
in a sexy little voice… “Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while
she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and
“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here
*
*
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*
*
*

My husband will be home soon!”
 
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.

She turned around & slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
 
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
 
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 
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