The jokes only thread....

Girl's First Time February 18, 2013, 10:35 am
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
 

During a blind date, as a man and a woman were filling each other
in on their pasts, the man said, "A genie once gave me the option of
having more sex or better memory".
"And which did you choose ?"The woman asked
And the man replied I don't remember".
 

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic.
One moron says, "Hey, let's have a picnic over there under that tree."
The other moron says," No, no, let's have it in the middle of the road."
They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road.
Not long afterward a car
came speeding towards them, swerved off the road, and ran into the tree.
One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."
 
What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!

What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!

Where did the computer go dancing? The disc-o!

What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!

What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!

What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
 
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter comes and asks the first one, "What is your contribution
in earth to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought
thousands of Lord's babies into the world."
St Peter replies, "Good enough to enter the gates."
The same question is asked of the second doctor. He says,
"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries
three times a year to cure the poor."
St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question,
blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."
St. Peter thinks for quite some time and says,
"Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
 
After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to Christmas

The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's.
 
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying.
1st Child: Why are you crying?
2nd Child: I came here for a blood test.
1st Child: So? Are you afraid?
2nd Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the first one started crying profusely.
The second one was astonished.
2nd Child: Why are you crying now?
1st Child: I came for a urine test!
 
CAN ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES.

SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF.
 
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine!!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black
one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently

'It's rust.'











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A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell, and fell to the sidewalk below.
Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."


The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position.
He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell,
trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds,
"No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."
 
A married man is shopping in a mall for a christmas present for
his wife because he had forgotten to buy it until the day
arrived. He walks into a pet store to get a unique and unusual
present for his wife. He looks through the categories of
animals, but can’t find anything, so he asks an assistant if
there is anything unique in the store because he needs to find
something quick. The assistant thinks for awhile then says,”yes,
we have a parrot that can sing christmas carols.” The man
becomes ecstatic about this and asks the assistant to show him
the parrot. As he is shown the parrot, the assistant tells him
that the parrot’s name is Chet and the parrot will only sing if
you warm up his feet with a match. So the assistant pulls out a
match and lights it, he then puts it under the parrots foot.
This causes the parrot to sing “Jingle bells”, and the man say,”
Wow, i’ve never seen anything like this.” The man then asks if
the parrot can sing anything else. The assistant puts the match
under Chet’s left foot. Chet then sings “silent night”. The man
is amazed and buys Chet. He takes Chet home and shows his wife
everything that it can do, and she’s amazed. The wife asks what
would happen if they put the match between Chet’s legs. He
replies,” I don’t know, lets try it.” Without saying more they
light a match and put it between Chet’s legs. Then Chet clears
his throat and starts singing, Chet’s nuts roasting on an open
fire…………..
 
A guy was driving down a country lane when he felt a bump. He stopped and having got out of the car realised he had hit a rabbit. Moments later another car pulled up and a man got out walked over to ask what had happened. The first guy told him he had run over a rabbit. The second gent said he was a vet and would take a look. The vet declared. “That's not a rabbit, it's a hare and I have something that should help". The vet proceeds to administer ointment onto the hare. Moments later it jumps up runs 10 yards turns and waves at them, runs another 10 yards turns and waves at them and it does this until out of sight. The first guy said. “Wow that was amazing, what's in that ointment”

Wait for it………

The vet says. “Hare restorer with permanent wave",
 
Andrew went to buy a birthday gift for his wife.
Every kin and kith was invited over that night,
to celebrate her fortieth birthday. Andrew wanted something special for his wife, so he went to see some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same,
he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later,
at dinner, among the huge gathering,
he gave the gift to his wife and asked her to open it.
When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare,
She Ain't What She earlier was!" And that was how the fight started.
 
Andrew was laying down carpet in some woman's home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
He decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it
into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and
commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Andrew, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes;
I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cell phone?
 
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway,
his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so
drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hungover gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ´units´ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name was guessed four or five times."
 
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain
the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons.
When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!
" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
 
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the
most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able
to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a
commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel,
"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
 
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the darkroom, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

 
Dad! I am in love with our Neighbor John's daughter, Emily.
Dad: Son, I have to tell you something. Emily is actually your sister. Don't tell mom.

*few weeks pass by*

Son: Dad! I am in love with our neighbor David's daughter, Jessica.

Dad: Don't tell mom, but Jessica is your daughter, too.

*few years pass by*

Son: Dad! I am in love with your friend Tom's daughter, Miranda.

Dad: Son, I know this may come as a shock, too, but Miranda is your sister.

**The son gets furious and finally decides to tell his mom**

Son: MOM! I told Dad about Miranda, Emily, and Jessica are in love with me, but he told me they're my sisters!

Mom: Love all you the girls you want! He is not your Dad!
 

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