The jokes only thread....

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”

No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs. Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs. Murphy.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs. Murphy,
It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
 
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.



What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds!!


Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
 


A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied:
“Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day.
The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it,
and got so high that we fu**d without a condom.”
 
It was a large occult meeting - the auditorium was nearly full.

The MC spoke into the mic, "Everyone who believes in ghosts, please stand." Almost everyone stood.

MC: "Everyone who has seen a ghost, remain standing."
About half sat down.

MC: "Everyone who has touched a ghost, remain standing."
Only three people remained standing.

MC: "Anyone who has has sex with a ghost, remain standing."
Only one man, 95 year old George Densal, was standing.

MC: "Please come up on stage and tell the audience how it was that you happened to have sex with a GHOST."

George: "GHOST!, forget it, I thought you said, GOATS!"
 
One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass.
The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next, the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't,
I will kill you." He tries to do it but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him,
"If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive.
"He then said,
"Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."
 
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?”
The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart.
I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!”
He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars?
Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses,
the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars.
Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”
 
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space? To find Pluto.

2. I am throwing a party in space, can you help me planet?

3. Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

4. Where do keyboards go to have dinner? The space bar.

5. Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend? Because she needed some space.

6. Why can’t you tell anyone about space? Because it’s too out of this world!

7. Why couldn’t the astronaut put the helmet on her head? Because she didn’t have enough space.
 

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?"
She continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
 
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Susan said unhappily,
“Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”
The woman gave her an angry look. “Susan, how dare you talk about your father like that"!
 
The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!
 
Jim meets a very attractive woman at a bar
Named Stacey
They had some drinks and were having a
very good time.
After awhile Stacey asked Jim if he would
Like to go home with her
“Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!”

At Stacey’shouse, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’sdesk and asks, “Is this your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. “Is it your
husband?” Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!”
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says,
“No, silly!” “Then, who is it?”
Stacey replies,
“That’s me before my operation!”
 
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on his wife's movements. The husband demanded more than just a written report -- he wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a tape and sat down to watch it with the husband. As the taped played, he saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them having a playful fight in the street.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

When the tape ended, the distraught husband said: "I can't believe this!"What's not to believe?" asked the detective. "It's right up there on the screen. The camera never lies."

The husband replied: "What it means is, I can't believe my wife is so much fun!"
 
Little Bobby had been to a birthday party, and knowing his weakness, his mother looked him straight in the eye and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake?"

"No" replied Bobby, "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it and she gave me two more pieces just of her own accord."
 
screen-shot-2021-01-22-at-5-08-39-am-png.2771266
 
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again.
Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife,
"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have
during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,
"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally, they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her,
"My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So let's do it."

Finally, on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her,
"So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."
 
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to the office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than the bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'.

That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.'

On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'.

So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex anymore."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top