The jokes only thread....


A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal,
a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert,
single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.
The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?"
And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really freaking ugly."
 

Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up."Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!"
says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"



Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!"
she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other.
"Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Now the tiniest bit miffed, Sister Teresa goes and eats her porridge, then as she is returning her bowl and spoon for washing she notices the Mother Superior. "Good morning, Reverend Mother!"
she says, trying not to wince in anticipation. Sure enough, the Mother Superior asks the same as the other two, and Sister Teresa is on the verge of tears. "Why is everyone asking me that?
Have I been rude? Do I look bad-tempered?" she wails.

"Oh no, dear!" says the Mother Superior. "It's just that you've got the Bishop's slippers on."
 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! "The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one! "Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either! "
 
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research
and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of
milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.


However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow,
she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
 
Did you know that the Brit speak colloquial term for a truck is a lorry? Think about it because it's an industry that I have worked in most of my life. So when I asked my wife if there was anything special that she might like for Christmas she answered that she would love some lorry oil. I thought that it was a result, I've got plenty of access to that. It was only after she had unwrapped the five gallon drum that I learned it was spelt L'Oréal.
 
Men and Women recording things in their diaries:
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing".
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him and not to worry about it.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He affair with someone else. My life is a disaster. Fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thought were somewhere else.

Husband's Diary

A one-foot putt … who the hell misses a one-foot putt
 
The new NILE Virus (Type C) ----- I thought you would want to know about this
the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee,
and others cannot take care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.


Virus Symptoms

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send an email that offends some people.

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE

9. Causes you to Let ‘Spell Check’ Cause you a lot of email FOPAS.

10. Causes constant butt dials due to uncontrolled farts.

This virus is called the C-NILE virus!

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately, as we age, it gets worse.

And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the D-NILE virus.

Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.
 
Your mother was right. See what happens when you swallow your chewing gum!
Sassycakes said:
The new NILE Virus (Type C) ----- I thought you would want to know about this
the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee,
and others cannot take care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.


Virus Symptoms

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send an email that offends some people.

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE

9. Causes you to Let ‘Spell Check’ Cause you a lot of email FOPAS.

10. Causes constant butt dials due to uncontrolled farts.

This virus is called the C-NILE virus!

A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately, as we age, it gets worse.

And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the D-NILE virus.

Doctors say that lots of naps and a daily dose of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.
Click to expand...
 
Sassycakes the above post proves that I'm infected with the C-Nile virus. How I quoted your post and mixed it with a pictorial joke that I had posted previously, I've no idea.
 
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-hoo and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.hoo-hoo? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who- ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
 
A traumatized man shares his story...

"Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

"I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day".

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
 
The bikini line wax sounds like a true story Tish. I remember one night when my wife needed some of that Deep Heat menthol cream massaged into a painful area on the lower part of her back. She put her back out laughing at me. Moral of the tale, don't scratch the nuts with Deep Heat under the finger nails. I thought that the crown jewels had caught fire.
 
A Greek and an Irishman

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality, he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.
 

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