The jokes only thread....

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a b...job.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”
 
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with a male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
When her husband returned from his doctors appointment, she asked “What did the doctor say?’

"The doctor said I am on the verge of a heart attack and any activity at all will surely kill me instantly.”

After discussion they decided that since sex was a primary concern they should surely not sleep together and the stairway up to the 2nd floor bedroom was also concerning.

So it was decided the he would sleep downstairs and she would sleep upstairs.

This seemed to be working out fine, but by the 5th night he couldn’t hold out without sex any longer.

So in the middle of the night he started to make his way slowly up the stairway. When he got to the landing he bumped into his wife….

They were both startled of course and she said “Were do you think you’re going?”

He said "I was coming up to die…and where were you going…

She said “I was coming down to kill you”

Don't you love stories that have a happy ending. 😁
 
The wife greeted her husband as usual every evening at the door of their 12th floor apartment. She knew right off this particular evening that he must have had an extremely hard day as Saul was furious.

When he calmed down enough to explain he roared “I have finally heard enough bragging from that elevator operator”.

“Every night he brags that he has had every woman in this apartment building except one”.

She said, “It must be that snooty Mrs. McGinty on the 23rd floor."
 
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For decades, two statues, one male & one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"Since you've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes & during that time, you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

They immediately dashed for the bushes with grins on their faces. There was lots of giggling & shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with smiles on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking.

The female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."
 
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.

She turned around, slapped him across the face & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig. "The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago. "
 
And That's how the Fight Started!

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies,
"You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
*********************************************************



A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.
The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this.
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's
time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
 
Amazing
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
Pappy said:
Amazing
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Click to expand...

At first I thought this was going to be a shaggy-dog story...you threw me a curve...it's a Groaner 🙃
 
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
 
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair,
so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony,
we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave
me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was
a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.
"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge.
I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
 

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