The jokes only thread....

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,
" he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die,
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother
 

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I don't have problems posting blonde jokes because as you can see from my picture I'm blonde too.

A blonde driver was pulled over by a blonde traffic cop. The cop asked to see her drivers license. The blonde digs around in her purse, pulls out a make up mirror, looks at it and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, returns it and says.

"Sorry about that. If I'd known you were a cop too I wouldn't have pulled you over."
 
There had been a lot of thefts at a building site. The site manager told the foreman that next time something disappeared he must search everyone before they went home. Next evening the foreman had all the men lined up.

"Right, take your coats off all of you."

The site manager asked the foreman.

"What's disappeared now?"

"A wheelbarrow!"
 
A nutritionist is invited to speak in the local nursing home. The topic of her presentation: Foods to avoid eating. Halfway into her presentation, she says: “If you eat these types of foods it will negatively impact your overall health, not only your physical health but especially your emotional well-being.” She turns to the audience and says, “Can someone give me an example of a type of food you should avoid eating at all costs?” An elderly man, about 90, seated in the rear of the room, raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake!”
 
A man goes to a counselor, worried about his wife temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The man says, "I don't know what to do.

Every day my wife loses her temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that.

When it seems your wife is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, he goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

He tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea.

Every time my wife started to get angry,

I swished the Jack Daniels and she would start to calm down. It was amazing!

What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing.

Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.
Click to expand...
 
MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
 
Kind Lawyer & Poor Family

One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…

when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road

“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.

“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.

“Oh, then you must come with me”.

“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”

“They are all welcome”.

So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.

“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.

“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks”.
 
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…

because it was “just the cutest thing!”

My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know… 🙂

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
 
Marriage… in different directions…

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I’m not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

* * * * *

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!
 
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT SEX CHANGE SURGERY. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
 
In order to kick start the economy and the hospitality trade in particular, pubs are to reopen. But to gain entry I have to get an app on my phone. Fat lot of good that is, the flex won't stretch from my house to the pub.
 

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