The jokes only thread....

Three men were fishing in a boat. To begin the story, one man was blind, one man was deaf and the other, lame.

As they were fishing one man said, "Hey, there is someone walking on water coming towards us". The figure approached the boat and said, "I am the Lord, I know your handicaps and will cure you all".

The Lord turned to the blind man and said "My son, you are blind". Then tapped him on the head and said, "Open your eyes, you can see now". The man opened his eyes in disbelief and started crying and thanked the Lord.

The Lord said to the deaf man, "You my son can not hear". The Lord tapped the man on the head and said, "You can now hear my voice". The man started crying and thanked the Lord.

As the Lord approached the lame man he said, "My son, you can not walk, I will cure you". As the Lord was about to tap the man on the head, the man yelled out, "Don't touch me, I'm on Disability".
 

Two snails were walking (if that's what snails do) along a piece of paper. Suddenly one of the snails rushed off as fast as he could. When his friend finally caught up with him he asked "Why on earth did you do that?" The other snail replied "Well I came to a bit where it said 'Tear along the dotted line'."
 
Two men are in a grocery store shopping. They get to the Oriental Spices section. One of them takes a can off the shelf, looks at it and says "Wow, this stuff must be really smelly." His friend asks why he thought that. "Well look here. It says 'Pierce lid with pin and push off'."
 

An American was touring Mexico. After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?” The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!” The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish. But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!” The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!” The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called the waiter and said, “These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!” * * * * * * The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.”
 
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: "It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it!"
Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower. His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him.
While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news. When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he whirled around & screamed, "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"
 
Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight. Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his son's medicine cabine He asked his son about trying one pill.
The son said, "I don't think that's a good idea, Grandpa...they're very strong & very expensive....they cost $10.00 per pill."
"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one. Before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa & said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. The other $100.00 is from Grandma."
 
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone,
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you



.................. you bloody mosquito.
 
Preacher Joke

A new preacher was assigned to a country church in west Texas cattle country. His first Sunday on the job, just as he unlocked the church doors, there came a horrendous thunder storm; a real gully washer and trash mover. The preacher thought that surely no one is going to show up in this rain, but to his surprise one wet cowboy came riding up on his horse. He went into the church where the new preacher was waiting and hoping for the rain to stop.

The cowboy and the preacher chatted for a while and the rain continued even harder and no one else showed up. The preacher said to the cowboy that he didn't think anyone else was coming, so they might as well go home. The cowboy shuffled his feet a bit and finally said, "I don't know anything about preachin, but I know if I loaded a wagon full of hay to feed the herd, and only one cow showed up to eat, I sure as heck would feed it."

The preacher thought about what the cowboy said, and realized he had a point. He told the cowboy to take a seat in a pew. He then went to the pulpit and started the service he had planned. He sang the songs planned for the choir; he said a couple prayers; and he took the collection plate to the cowboy who put in a dollar. Then he preached a sermon as if he had a full congregation filling every seat in every pew. His sermon went on for well over an hour.

When he was done, he walked to the door of the church to bless the cowboy as he was leaving. He shook hands with the cowboy and said, "I feel real good about today. I really think I did the right thing, don't you?"

The cowboy said, "I don't know anything about preachin, but if I took a wagon full of hay out to feed the herd, and only one cow showed up, I sure as hell wouldn't dump to whole load!"

I think this falls in the category of, 'You can't win every time'.
 
A man went into a pub - this is pre Covid - walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Then he ordered a round for everyone else and for the barman too. When it was time to pay he told the barman he had no money. The barman got angry and threw him out.

Next evening he returns. Same story - he walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Then he ordered a round for everyone else and for the barman too. When it was time to pay he told the barman he had no money. The barman got angry and threw him out again.

Third evening same story - he walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Then he ordered a round for everyone else. The barman says "And I suppose you'll order one for me too?"

The guy replies "No way, one beer and you get violent!"
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 
Theater tickets for seniors
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat.”

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to
call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?”

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"The balcony."
 
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

At their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets of a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."


 
Sassycakes said:
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

At their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets of a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
Click to expand...

Anonymous poet:

Frankie and Johnny (in part)

Frankie and Johnnie were lovers,
O, my Gawd, how they could love,
They swore to be true to each other,
As true as the stars above;
He was her man, but he done her wrong.

The Sheriff took Frankie to the gallows,
Hung her until she died,
They hung her for killing Johnnie,
And the undertaker waited outside;
She killed her man, 'cause he done her wrong.
 
Question: What's the difference between a lobster with a breast implant and an old Greyhound bus station?
Answer: One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.
 

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