The jokes only thread....

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”


​
 

A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!” Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly,
“You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, But
“I’d love to buy the dog.
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Who doesn't love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting
the day with a long, loving kiss? Apparently the airline had a
different take on these things.
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The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. - “What are you doing out so late, sir?”
asks the police officer.-“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. -
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.”
 

[FONT=&quot]A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13... 13... 13... 13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14... 14... 14... 14.'[/FONT]
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A man boarded an airplane & took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled & said, "Business. The annual sex education convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really!" he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable & blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto Goldstein," he replied. "But my friends call me Bubba."
 
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight.
Fearful that she might not be able to paint anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so
thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work
included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to showcase her works of art in the doctor's
office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on
the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"
 
Chinese conjuror in the middle of his act, and there's a power failure, so asks everyone to raise their arms.

lighting is restored "How did you do that?"
"Old English saying, many hands make light work"


 
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him:
"It's midnight....What have you been doing all night? Where the hell have you been? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it!"

Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower. His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him. While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news. When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around & screamed, "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"
 
A redneck family is visiting a big city for the first time. The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.

"What's that, Paw?" the boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life," replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says, "Go get your Ma!"
 
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.


He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
 
Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store.
But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband.
"I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member
of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation:
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends,
was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?
 


Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge ,so he sent Mary to the Hardware Store .Then in
the Hardware Store Mary saw a beautiful Teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish
serving a customer.When Joe was finished,Mary Asked,” How much for the Teapot?”. Joe Replied
That’s Silver and it costs £100 !”. “ My goodness,that’s a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Mick had sent her to buy and Joe went to
backroom to find a hinge .From The backroom Joe yelled ,” Mary,you wanna screw for that hinge ?”.
To which Mary replied,” No ,But I Will For That “ TEAPOT”.​
 
The Tearful Bride... A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him. "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding. "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price! "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! " says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars. "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket. "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for? "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska! "
 
A woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, the father takes him into the study to chat with him.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"Well, that's admirable," said the father. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study, and God will provide for us," he replied.

"And, how will you buy her a nice engagement ring that she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies, and God will provide," he says.

"And children? How will you support children," asks the father.

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," he says.

Later, the mother asked the husband, "Well, is he a nice guy?"

The husband says, "Well, he's a Democrat, he has no job, no plans & he thinks I'm God."
 
[h=2]Instruction About Church[/h]A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 
[h=1]Polish Hunters[/h]
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home
 
My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. OK, it was a pizza.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
 
Remember Rodney Dangerfield?

I still get no respect. Yesterday, I showed up at my girlfriend's house with six condoms; she took four of them & left.

My girlfriend called me & said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” When I got there, nobody was home.

I was an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, cats covered me up.

My mother had morning sickness...after I was born.

My parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & a radio.

WhenI was five, I was kidnapped. To prove they really had me, the kidnappers sent my parents a piece of my finger. My parents asked for more proof.

Once when I was lost, I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I asked him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know, kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

I went to see my doctor. I said, “Doctor, every time I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I called the doctor & told him I swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

I tell ya, I don't get any respect. The other day my wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of our car. She wants me to drive.
 
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