The jokes only thread....

A Crime Scene

There's been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman's spouse.
He'd just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
''Who could have done this terrible thing?''
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sargeant Miller.




''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.'
 

Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.” So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end. Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.

“Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?”

“Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out.”
 
The wife receives a fax from her husband one day stating the following: "Dear wife. Since you are already 44 now, you cannot satisfy me completely anymore. So I am sending you this fax to tell you that I am at the Hotel Rivera with my 18 year old secretary and girlfriend now and will be back later on tonight, before 12am definitely."
As the husband arrives back home, just before 12am he finds a note from his wife.
"Dear husband. I thank you for your letter and your consideration in letting me know. But I do have to remind you, that you yourself are also 44 years of age. Therefore you also cannot satisfy me completely anymore. Therefore I am at the Beachfront Hotel now, with my boyfriend and Tennis instructor, who is also 18. But I won't be back before the morning, because - as I would like to remind you - 18 go more times into 44 than 44 into 18!"
 
When God created​

Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it, please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man, crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:


,..... a brain ... and it is for you Eve !​
 
A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...
A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.

"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.

"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.

The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.

"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.

"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.

"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."
 
Riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control
and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the
road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful
woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed
she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will
like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you
have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of
shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't
like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after
a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,
"I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset
so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She
won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
Click to expand...
 
Pappy said:
[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in? " he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya. "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband? "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "Oh, God no! " cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me... "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. "Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly? "Well, no Brenda, no. "No? "Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "[/FONT][/FONT]
Click to expand...
The only beer I drink. I even have a Guinness bottle opener on my wall. That being said, I average one beer every month and a half, or so.
 
I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. ~~~The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule " until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. ~~~On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. ~~~Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves. " ~~~Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that? " :"
 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.
​
 
I'm posting this with a heavy heart...😔

As much as I love my antiques and collecting them, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics such as cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my entire collection to anyone interested.

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only please and don't insult me with lowball offers.

Thanks for reading and understanding...

1. Dustpan and brush

2. Sponges

3. Dusters

4. Mop and bucket

5. Window cleaner

6. Vacuum

7. Dishwashing liquid

8. Laundry detergent

9. Fabric softener

10. Laundry baskets

11. Toilet brush

12. Cleaning sprays

13. Scrubbing brushes
 
*I'd like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read. This is long but if you want a good laugh you gotta read……I do not know the author but I found it very funny.
72510

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a coward in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
 
Man goes into a bar and orders three double whiskeys. The bartender tells the man to slow it down or he'll end up passed out. He asks the man why he wants to drink so much so fast. The man replies that he has the worst headache of his life. The barkeep said he had a much better cure and that he used to have the same problem. He went on to say when he gets a headache like that, he goes home and his wife gives him oral sex and he gets immediate relief. He tells the man that he should try it too. The customer replies that he would love to and asks "is your wife home now"?
 
A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.

The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”

The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out.
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"

The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."

His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."

The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 
An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"

The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."
 
What religion is your Bra ?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."


"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.


"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"


"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


Relieved, the man asked about the types to which the saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.


The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


BONUS Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
 

A Red Indian chief had three squaws, or wives. One of them was his favourite and she knew it. Everybody in the tribe slept on a buffalo hide, but the no. 1 wife told the chief she wanted a hippopotamus hide. He thought so much of her that he managed to obtain one, so she happily slept on that every night.

A few months later it became clear that all three squaws were pregnant. The chief hoped he would get three sons [It was a male-dominated society. It wasn't very PC either, as you may have noticed.] Eventually, one evening one of the other two squaws gave birth....and it was a boy. Everyone was very pleased. The next day the other no.2 squaw gave birth, and it was twin boys. Huge celebrations. Everybody was waiting to see what the no. 1 squaw would provide.

And two days later, she produced...triplets. Three little boys. The chief was ecstatic.

Which proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
 
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 

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