The jokes only thread....

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionable in dark sunglasses, leather jacket and jeans.

God to the Guy: Who are you.......?

Guy:
I am a superfast express bus driver.........!!!!

God:
Take the Gold robe and enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest: Who are you....?

Priest:
I am a priest and spent 40 years preaching good to people.

God:
"Take this cotton Robe and enter the heaven..........!!!

Priest:
God how come that foul mouth rash bus driver gets a Gold and I spent all my life preaching good get cotton ........!!!!

God:
Results, my son results...........

While you preached People slept, when he drove People really prayed.........

It's performance, not position that counts!!!!
 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day
on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
 
A Blonde Wife

My wife opened her first checking account and went out purchasing things for the house.
After a couple weeks the bank called her and told her she was out of funds.
In total shock, my wife exclaimed, "How can I be out of money when I've got all these checks left?"
 

The boyfriend calls his girlfriend and says, "Hi, hon, are you good with your heart transplant tomorrow?"
"Oh, I'm a bit frightened, but confident," she answers.
"You know, I love you, and I'm sure everything is gonna be fine," he adds.
"I love you too!" she says and hangs up.
After a successful surgery, she wakes up and when she sees her father beside her, she inquires, "Where's my boyfriend?"
"Whose heart do you think is in your body now?" asks her dad.
"NOOOO!!!" she exclaims.

"Calm down," said her father, "this was just to test your new heart. He just went to the restroom..."
 
You laid on my naked body and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you...Flippin mosquito!!!!
 
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
 
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops
 
I know we are aways from Christmas But wanted to share this with you, as it is one of my favorites...

Three drunks are standing at St. Peter's gates on Christmas Eve. St Peters looks at the three of them and tells them he wants them to show him something that symbolizes Christmas if they want to be granted in the gates...

First Drunk stands up and holds up a set of keys, and St. Peter says and what is that? The drunk replies, those would be the bells of Christmas... St Peter allows him the gates...

The second drunk holds up Sheets, and St Peters says and what would that be, and the drunk replies that would be the music sheets of Christmas... St Peter opens the gates for him...

The third drunk is fumbling in his pockets, and eventually pulls out a pair of women's panties... St. Peter says and what are they...

The drunk replies they would be Carol's
 
The Internet What’s that?

“C’ mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought. “Ok,” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK, here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?
 
Speeding Ticket Joke

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
 
My 9yr old Granddaughter sent me these today in an email.

Grandkid: "Does beer make you smarter?"
Grandparent: “No, but it made Budweiser.”

My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was
through his stomach.
That’s why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.

What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?
I don't know. My 17 aunts and uncles won’t answer my question.

Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her inside.
 
The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's ***** is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your
feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste
it.
Women reading this will be finished now.

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Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
 
I was in in the public restroom and I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other:
Stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: (surprised and embarrassed) "Doing fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Heyyy listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions!
 
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.

Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.

A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step. She turned around & went ballistic on the guy & screamed: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
 

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