The jokes only thread....

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00
to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm
always willing to help out friends and family. I told her
to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin
was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that
the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend
out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday
🎂. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00
because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her
to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from
Jail It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
 

Driving Home from the Pub

Paddy, the famous Irishman, was driving home after downing a few pints at the local pub. He turned a corner and much to his horror he saw a tree smack dab in the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid it, and almost too late, realized that there was yet another tree directly in his new path.
He swerved again and discovered that his drive home had turned into a terrifying slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he heard the sound of a police siren and brought his car to a stop.
Officer O'Brien approaches Paddy's car and asked him what on earth he was doing drivin' so erratically and Paddy started to tell his story of the terrifying trees in the road.
Suddenly Officer O'Brien stopped him mid sentence.

"Oh Fer Pete's sake, Paddy, that's yer air freshener hanging there!!"
 

68598724_10156587294727507_1783587694828322816_n.jpg


A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Y-E-E-E-H-A-A-A-H!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Y-E-E-E-H-A-A-A-H!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
 
Every night, after dinner Harry took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night Harry took off again after dinner. About midnight he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it and opened the door to let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It’s pretty late dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Visiting hour at Rhode Island Hospital are from 5 – 7 pm after he comes out of his coma.
 
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!" BOOM!!!!
 
A lawyer who works in Seattle gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately
fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his
wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone.
After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman!
The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is the emergency of which
he must take care.
So, he tells the maid to go and get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.
She protests! The lawyer explains that under Washington State law it is legal to kill your
adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it.
She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears a scream, the sound of two gun shots,
some loud thumps and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, “Did you kill them?”
“Yes,” she replies.
The lawyer questions her again, “What did you do with the bodies?”
“I threw them in the pool,” she responds.
There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, “Did you say the POOL?”
“Yes! I threw them in the pool!” she says.
Then he askes her...
“Uh, is this 555-8234?”
 
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn,
he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments.
“What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded.
Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties,


and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”
 
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper..... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
 
A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up,"

like the Bishop said: "4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
 
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
 
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
 
[IMG]
 
PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued
writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him,
the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us
and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Political stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's so important at our age!!
 
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook

And that's how the fight started !
 
A teacher in a highly rated Christian school ask her 4th grade class " who was the most important person in the Bible?". Silence.

So, she primed the pump by saying "here is a $10 bill for anyone that can tell me who the most important person in the Bible was. 2 hands rose, she picked the first one - "Moses", said the boy. Sorry, wrong. She picked the 2nd one "David"?" , no sorry.

Then, in the back of the room a hand rose...it was the lone Jewish boy student. She called on him and he said "Jesus". OMG, she almost started to cry. Here was this Jewish boy in a Christian school and he "alone" had got it right.

She dismissed the class and ask him to stay. She gave him the $10 bucks and said "how did you know this", to which he replied " well, I thought it was Abraham, but hey,
business is business"!
 


Back
Top