The jokes only thread....

On a train a woman is reading a book.
The man sitting next to her says,
“Hi, couldn’t help but notice the book you’re reading.”
“Yes, it’s about finding sexual satisfaction. It’s interesting.
Did you know that, statistically, American Indians and Polish men are the best lovers?
By the way, my name is Jill.
What’s yours?”
“Flying Cloud Kowalski. Nice to meet you.”
 

A new study concluded that silicone breast implants do not cause any health problems.
Not true. They cause severe eye strain in men.
 
A lawyer makes out a will for an elderly lady, and she pays him with a crisp new $100 bill.
Later on, the lawyer discovers that the new $100 bill is actually two $100 bills stuck together.
His dilemma: Should he tell his partner?
 
A priest, a doctor & a lawyer were playing golf. They were getting angry because a group of golfers ahead of them were taking too long at each hole & holding them up so they complained to the greenskeeper who explained that the group of golfers were blind.
The priest says: “That’s so sad; I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says: “I’ll talk to my buddy who’s an eye surgeon & see if he can help them.”
The lawyer says: “Why can’t they play at night?”
 
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,
he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Tom.
"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring,
but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen."
Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........
then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm."
he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete's sake!!!
Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"
 
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them
he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
 
Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow.
This widow had a grown up daughter.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too.
This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!
After a few years I became father of a baby boy complicating the matter further.
My son became the brother-in-law of my father!
 
A guy bought a new truck. He had to take it back to the dealer because the radio wouldn't work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. He showed the customer how it works.
"Nelson," the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie," he continued, and the song, "On The Road Again" started to play.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
The customer drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he said, "Beethoven," he'd get beautiful classical music, and if he said "Beatles," he'd get one of their songs.
Then, one day, a woman ran a red light and almost smashed into his truck, but luckily he swerved in time to avoid her. He was angry & yelled, "Crazy B----!"
The radio replied, "Hillary or Pelosi?"
 
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
Phyllis Dillerisms...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
 
Two cannibals ,a father and son,were elected by the tribe
to go out and get something to eat.They walked deep into the jungle
and waited by a path .Before long ,along Came this little old man.
The son said.” Ooh,dad,there’s one “. “ No”, Said the father .”
There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs.We’ll just wait”.
Well ,a little while later,along Came this really fat man.
The son said “ Hey ,dad ,he’s plenty big enough “. “ No”, the father said.
” We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one.We’ll just wait”.
About an hour later ,here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.The son said ,
” Now there’s nothing wrong with that one,dad.Let’s eat her “.
“ No”, said the father.We’ll not eat her either”. “ Why not ?”. asked the son.”

BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO TAKE HER BACK ALIVE AND EAT YOUR MOTHER”.
 
10980767_983429375020254_2091615776076422569_n.jpg


A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
 

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