The jokes only thread....

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
 

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob, a redneck, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
 

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Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they
both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the
fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay,' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Girl enters an elevator (lift)
Sees a smartly dressed handsome boy and decides to chat him up
Girl: T.G.I.F
Boy: (with smirk) S.H.I.T
Girl: (annoyed) T.G.I.F. !!!
Boy: (still wearing the smirk) S.H.I.T
Girl: (Fuming) Thank Goodness It's Friday !!!!
Boy: (Greening) Sorry Honey It's Thursday :D :D
 
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. He yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 250 - pound blonde woman.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. When he wakes up the next morning & looks in the mirror, he sees that he has a black eye. Then he sees a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sees his clothing on the bed clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son......What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home at 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!
 
A Kentucky State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 8 miles south of Richmond, Kentucky. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Lexington to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from London got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
 
A Duck, a Skunk and a Deer went to out to eat at a restaurant, when it came time to pay, the skunk did not have scent, the deer did not have a buck so they put the meal on the Ducks Bill.
 
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so
I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!
Would you explain that to me?


"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
 
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, & tells his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs & gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks mad, but fetches another beer & slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer & a few minutes later, says, "Quick, get me another beer...it's going to start any minute."
Now, his wife is really furious. She yells at him: "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer & sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken fat slob, & furthermore......"
The man sighs & says, "It's started."
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.00."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I love my fellow man anyway. If you continue over that hill to the east for about a mile, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said: "You little bastard! Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
 
An elderly woman was visiting her daughter. One morning she came out of the guest room and asked her daughter if she could see the morning paper.
Her daughter said, “Mom, this is the 21st century here is my I-pad.”
Mom just looks at her and says, “OK.” She took the I-pad and walked into the guest room, slammed the I-pad down hard on the dresser, picks it up and looks at the daughter and says, “Yep, worked fine. Fly didn’t know what hit it.”


Why do women gain weight after marriage?
A single woman comes home, sees what’s in the fridge, & goes to bed.
A married woman sees what’s in bed & goes to the fridge.


A husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a skilled guy on the dance floor breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!”
 
An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy on his client’s victim.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”
 
Anna Nicole Smith was testifying in the inheritance trial after her husband’s death:
Judge: “Mrs. Smith, how old are you?”
Anna: “I’m 34.”
Judge: “How old was your husband when he died?”
Anna: “97.”
Judge: “Well, Mrs. Smith, when did you realize you were in love with this man who was 63 years older than you?”
Anna: “At that very moment when he said those three wonderful words that every woman wants to hear from a man.”
Judge: “You mean I love you?”
Anna: “No; I can’t breathe.”
 
One night during a thunderstorm, I brought our dog in the house.
When my wife came into the bedroom & saw the dog curled up on the floor, she said “He can’t stay in the house all night.”
I said, “It’s raining & there is thunder & lightning; he can’t stay outside.”
She said, “What about all the fur on the carpet?”
I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll vacuum tomorrow.”
She said, “What about the fleas?”
I said, “They’ll get used to you just like I did.”
 
"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really!" he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto Goldstein,” he replied. “But my friends call me Bubba."
 
Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight. Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked his son about trying one pill.
The son said, "I don't think that's a good idea, Grandpa...they're very strong & very expensive....they cost $10.00 per pill."
"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one. Before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa & said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. The other $100.00 is from Grandma."
 
A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
Police have been working tirelessly to catch him.
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 

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