The jokes only thread....

A Manager of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning against a wall.
He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk explained, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative & suggested he drink the whole thing."
"You idiot!" yells the Manager. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," says the clerk. "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
 
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
 
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his
father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.
She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called
the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling habit".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt,
so I pulled down my pants and won his money." "DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?",
the teacher asked. Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00

he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
 
Honesty is the best policy
At dinner with friends and family, Johnny was asked to say the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.
"Okay", the boy said.

"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"
 
When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary,
they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner.
The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet.
Caught up in the romance of the story, one by one the men related how
we had met our wives. Eventually everyone had told his story except for my youngest brother.

All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college.
We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."

"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."
 
Johnny's class had been good so the teacher brought donuts. Johnny was offered a donut and he said, I don't want a G_D DAMN MOTHER FU_K'N donut. His teacher said young man I am calling your mom. Mom came in and the teacher said to his mom, listen to this. Johnny here is your donut and Johnny said I told you I don't want a G_D DAMN MOTHER FU__K'N donut. Teacher looked at his mom...... Johnny's mom said, FU_K THE LITTLE MOTHER FUC__ER don't give him one. ( I tried to clean it up}
 
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Blond Valley girl is so happy...she tells everyone she knows and some people she doesn't know
that she got this gorgeous "new car". So she tells her newly engaged to boyfriend "I got this gorgeous new car."
He asks her "what kind of car did you get, dear"?
She says "BLUE". The engagement didn't last long.
 
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A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you? "Of course I do. It is the Bible. " the lady replies! "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? " he asked. "Oh, Jonah... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. " she replied. "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? " he asked. "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. " said the lady. "What if he isn't in heaven? " the man asked sarcastically. "Then YOU can ask him. " replied the lady!"
 
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."
 
A Frenchman, a German & an Irishman walk into a bar & each orders whiskey.
The drinks arrive & there's a fly in each one.
The Frenchman says, "Mon Dieu! I cannot drink this!"
The German flicks the fly out & gulps the drink down.
The Irishman grabs the fly, turns it upside down & yells, "Spit it out!"
 
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a coke too."
Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.
When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear,
I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"
 


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