The jokes only thread....

​
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering

in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later,


the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says,

"Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right,"

she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must


wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
 

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE Off !
 
A Drunk Blonde

A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says
to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini
for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and
puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later,
she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini
for my heartburn.” He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway
and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves
him over again and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”
The barman looks her up and down and says, “First off, it’s bartender,
not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And third, you don’t have
heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.”
 
Wife/Mistress


A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress

were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the

same cruise, then later question each one on the others behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip

in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of

the passenger he knew was his mistress.

"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating

mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
 
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-**bleep**." Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's *******s through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women
are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert DeNiro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing.
Just show me somebody naked!" Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p**is and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex; I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being
spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

“It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting-married." George Burns
=========================================================
 
Dear Tide


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always
told me it was the best. Now that I am in my sixties
I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle
me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with the old geezer's blood on my new pretty white
blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.


Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the Hefty bag people.
 
A young Irish boy said to his grandfather.
"Make a frog noise for me Grandad."
"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog
noise right now"
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.
"Why is it so important to you that
I make a frog noise?"
The boy answered, "Because Mom says when you croak we can have this house"
 
A SCAMMER CALLED TO TELL ME MY WINDOWS HAS A VIRUS.
I said, ‘Oh no, I have 18 windows in my house, how do I know which one has the virus and is it curable?’.
I then asked, ‘How sick will the window or windows get from the virus?’
He asked me if I knew what a computer was.
I replied, ‘Is that what the kids call TV's now?’
The idiot tried to explain what a computer was.
I then asked, ’How do I cure the virus in the windows, do all 18 windows in the house have a virus or is it just one of them?’
HE HUNG UP...................
 
A man, celebrating his 25th anniversary, looked at his wife and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, I lived in a one-room apartment, watched a 15-inch
black-and-white TV, and drove a rusty old car. But, every night,
I slept with a gorgeous blonde. You're ageing now, and I figure
you're not keeping up your appearance like you did all those years ago,
and I'm not too happy about it."

His wife looked back at him and said, "It's true that I'm not what I used to be.
But, sleep with a gorgeous blonde tonight, and I'll see that, once again, you're
living in a one-room apartment, watching a 15-inch, black-and-white TV,
and driving a rusty, old car."






​
 

“So Mss. Burn,” said the judge, “you wish me to grant you a divorce.
On what grounds?” “Two acres,” she said. The judge glared.
“I mean do you have a grudge?”
“Yes sir,” she replied. “Fits two cars.”
“Madam what I mean is -- does he beat you up?”
“Never. I get up half an our before him to do aerobics.”
Shaking is head, the judge said,
“I just can’t understand why you want a divorce!”
“Because,” the woman complained,
“We just don’t communicate!”
 
Once upon a time there was
A female brain cell which,
By mistake, happened
To end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
Because it was all empty

'Hello?'
She cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
She cried a little louder,
But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
Started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
Of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
From far, far away....





'We're down here.'

 
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a
well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are
first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !
2.
Strike while the

bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time..
4.
Never underestimate the power of

termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but

how?
6.
Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.
7.
No news is

impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a

Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new

math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust

me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the

pigs.
13.
An idle mind is

the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's

pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is

not much.
17.
Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you

see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.
Better late than

pregnant.
 
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse,
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed she'll
pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind;
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back but
if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you
one minute, then turn up her nose. She'll win you in
range, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than
brandy, milder than milk. At times she'll be vengeful,
merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison,
and love you like mad.





THE MOODS OF A MAN:


Tired, horny.



 
Male or Female

Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this,

but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples...

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in,

but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off;

it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right

buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc

if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily

and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere,

you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft,

squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being

looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the

same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time,

all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years,
they've hardly changed at all, and are

occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male,

but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't

always know which buttons to push, but
he just keeps trying...
 
An attorney went into a bar for a Martini
and found himself beside a scruffy-looking
drunk who kept mumbling and studying something
in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk
held the tiny object up to the light, slurring,
"Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it
between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks
like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled
between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely by sniffing and licking it.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and
feel like rubber, has no significant smell
or taste, I sure don't know what it is.
Where did you get it?"


The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
 
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove
all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
Others move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated"
gets thrown all around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes about 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and
renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers...
If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.
Politicians just abuse the privilege.
 
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