The jokes only thread....

Two Statues
Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years.
An angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life.
You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
The statues came to life and smiled at each other.
They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Giggling, the female statue said, “Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head!”
 

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
 
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
_____________________________________________________________

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
 
A guy was on trial for murder. His defense attorney was questioning the pathologist who performed the autopsy on the victim.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No, but.......”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No, but why........”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No, but why......”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”
 
A young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom I know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said, "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mailman and said I know the whole truth the mailman said " then come and give your real father a big hug.
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.
Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person.

“Sophia Loren,” says the first nun - and poof, she disappears.

“Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too.

“Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter.

The nun hands him a newspaper clipping.

He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”
 
A couple is at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona awaiting their flight dressed in heavy boots, long parka, scarf, mittens, and ready to head home to the Canadian winter. An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She answers, "You could go ask them."

He says, "I really don't care. You want to know, you ask them."

So she walks over to them and asks, ”Excuse me. I’m noticing the way you're dressed and wonder where you're from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

She returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English!"

____________________________
 
Two brothers are terrible troublemakers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail.

Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs, and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!

 
Bagpiper for the Homeless
A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost; and being a typical man didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew. The funeral guy had evidently gone, as the diggers were eating lunch and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He felt badly about this. He apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place.

He started to play and the workers gathered around.

He played out his heart and soul for this homeless man.

As he played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep.

He played like he'd never played before. Then he finished and started for his car.

As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say:

"Man that was really moving, I ain't never seen nothin' like that before."

"And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Last edited:

Woman and the Farmer​

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’ ‘What a coincidence the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.’… This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’ ‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence!
 
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking.
A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his.
She likes him, so she goes and introduces herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?

John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
 

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.​

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”
 
A man with suspected Corona virus is lying in a hospital bed with a face mask on waiting to be seen.

A trainee nurse comes to give the man a bed bath.

The man asks “Are my testicles black?"

The nurse replies “I'm here to give you a bed bath"

The man asks again slightly more agitated this time “Ok, but can you look to see if my testicles are black?”

The nurse replies “Sir I'm only supposed to give you a bed bath upper body and feet"

The man rather breathless this time manages to ask one more time, “Please, are my testicles black?”

The nurse looks at the man in sympathy and not wanting the man’s heart rate to increase or cause any more undue stress lifts up the man's gown, takes the mans member in one hand and his testicles in the other, leans in to inspect and says, “No your testicles are not black”

The man sits up in his bed removes his face mask and says to the nurse
"LISTENCAREFULLY.Are my test results back?"
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 
Three rough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second biker spits into his coffee.
The third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one biker to the waitress.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top