The jokes only thread....

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school.
"I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

‎"Well, first of all, I hate school and second of all .. the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.‎

‎"Son, that's not a good reason.. you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.‎

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.

"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old, and second of all...You are the Principal
 

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually, the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.


The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ And we were passionate all nite...
The mistress:
'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had a great night.'
Then I had to share my story:
'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”'
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........I just lost it."
 
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Johnny was in college at 17 years old & he received an "F" on his paper.
He went up to the professor & asked him if he understood the subject he was teaching.
The professor said, "Of course I understand the subject; I'm a professor."
Johnny says, "OK. Let me ask you a question. If you answer it correctly, I will accept my grade. But if you get it wrong, you have to give me an "A."
The professor says, "You're on."
Johnny says, "What is legal, but not logical, what is logical, but not legal, & what is neither legal nor logical?"
The professor says, "Ya know, I can't answer that question, so I'll give you an "A," but you have to give me the answer."
Johnny says, "Sir, you're 63 years old & you married a 30 year old, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 17-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And the fact that you gave your wife's lover an "A" when he should have failed, is neither legal nor logical."
 
A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"

Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a crap".
_______________________________________________________________





Johnny asks his grandpa, "do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says, "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks, "What is oral?"

Grandpa says, "I say screw you, she says screw you, too."
 

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...​

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."
 
"Do you have a drinking problem?"
"No, I pretty much have it figured out."

"How do you know when you've had too much?"
"I run out."

"What's your favorite beer?"
"An open one."

"Have you ever been to an AA meeting?"
"AA is for quitters."
 
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Saudi Arabian were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a loud beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Saudi Arabian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Saudi Arabian finally said “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax.”
 
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.”

A local pastor heard him and said:


You should not say that.

Next time your wheel falls off say:

‘Praise the Lord.’”

So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says:


“Praise the Lord.”

The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill, and puts itself back on the wagon.

The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims:

“I’ll be darned!”
 
This joke may be old for some, but for those of you who haven't seen it before.........


A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date? She wrote a letter to tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.


Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate




Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.


In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
 


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