The jokes only thread....

SEX AFTER DEATH!!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, and I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a f^%$#%g rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
 
There were three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."

The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."

The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."

The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.

St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."
 
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store & bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady.
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
GUESS WHAT SHE SAID …HA HA HA HA
The blonde turned around and replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"
 
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
 
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him, he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer and then he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him with its left paw and raising the right paw to strike.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped
The bear froze
The forest was silent

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident .... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light - "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now but perhaps you could make the Bear a Christian?"
a pause,
"Very well," said the voice
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed

And the bear dropped his right arm
brought both paws together
bowed his head & spoke

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.”
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?"

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes
Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club...
(takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
 
A businessman walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.00. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so he hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs $300,000.00
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” he says, “and I have all the necessary papers & the title.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the customer leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their employees enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $300,000.00 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000.00 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the customer returns, repays the $5,000.00 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you borrow $5,000.00?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"
 
Chinese sex.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath,
dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker
and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished,
the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed,
climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker, and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore,
she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath
of fresh air, dives under the bed… and finds four Chinese men.
 
Father and Son
DAD: “Ok, so after every question I ask you, you must say ketchup and rubber buns”.

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: What did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?

KID: Ketchup and rub……. HEY!
 
Curiosity in a Toilet

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.
But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant,
aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies' room,
but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll
were four buttons marked: ‘WW’, ‘WA’, ‘PP’ and ‘ATR’.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded
what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW
button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.” So a little more boldly he
pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and
dried it comfortably. “Aha” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the
bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation.
A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
“Man, this is great,” he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse
to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the lady's
room on the plane. The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the
Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your p+++s is under your pillow.”
 
John and his wife were working in their garden one day when John looks over at his wife and says, “Your ass is getting really big. I bet your ass is bigger than the barbecue.” With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. “Yes, I was right, your ass is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!”

The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed John was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances toward his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
 
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious..
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained..
'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.
'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
'Yep, diesel fitter.'
 


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