Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
The jokes only thread....
- Thread starter Pappy
- Start date
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Pink Biz
SF VIP
- Location
- Suburban Chicago
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Mizmo
Well-known Member
- Location
- Ontario Canada
A BANK LOAN TO A SCOTSMAN
A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.
He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.
So, the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand-new Ferrari parked in front of the bank, and hands them to the manager saying “Will this do?” He also produces the car’s log book and after a phone call, everything checks out fine.
The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out £5,000 while the bank’s porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.
Over lunch the manager tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple-minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for £5,000 offering a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.
Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000 from us?
The Scotsman replies:
"Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"
![Och Aye[1].gif](https://www.seniorforums.com/data/attachments/198/198042-05e144882e8c713292acedb3d61e3e89.jpg "Och Aye[1].gif")
A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.
He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.
So, the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand-new Ferrari parked in front of the bank, and hands them to the manager saying “Will this do?” He also produces the car’s log book and after a phone call, everything checks out fine.
The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out £5,000 while the bank’s porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.
Over lunch the manager tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple-minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for £5,000 offering a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.
Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000 from us?
The Scotsman replies:
"Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Soon after a couple turns in for the night,
the wife becomes aware that her husband
touching her in an unusual way. Not having had much physical contact with him for a while, she decides just to relax and enjoy herself. He runs his hands along her shoulders, then along her side, across her abdomen, down her leg, then up the inside of her leg. By this time, she is squirming with pleasure. He soon reaches down between her thighs… then abruptly stops and turns over. “Honey, why did you stop? I was just getting started.” “I found the remote,” he says.
the wife becomes aware that her husband
touching her in an unusual way. Not having had much physical contact with him for a while, she decides just to relax and enjoy herself. He runs his hands along her shoulders, then along her side, across her abdomen, down her leg, then up the inside of her leg. By this time, she is squirming with pleasure. He soon reaches down between her thighs… then abruptly stops and turns over. “Honey, why did you stop? I was just getting started.” “I found the remote,” he says.
Lara
Friend of the Arts
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic Coast
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Divorced virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Mizmo
Well-known Member
- Location
- Ontario Canada
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected,
but the customer service rep told me that since the
account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.
The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me:
“If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,”
she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”
***********************************************************************
On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought
it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant.
“Why should I pay someone to shovel?” he demanded. “I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient,
I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he
“I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted,
“Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”
=================================================
but the customer service rep told me that since the
account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.
The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me:
“If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,”
she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”
***********************************************************************
On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought
it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant.
“Why should I pay someone to shovel?” he demanded. “I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient,
I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he
“I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted,
“Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”
=================================================
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day
It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any Rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, like some?”
5 loaves … By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
.
It'll be hard> The 80 yr old said "I can't believe everyone knew this but Me!
The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day
It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any Rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, like some?”
5 loaves … By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
.
It'll be hard> The 80 yr old said "I can't believe everyone knew this but Me!
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nun's cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nun's cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Three women, trapped on a deserted island, decided to race each other, swimming around the island.
The brunette comes in first, taking only 30mins to swim around the island. The redhead comes in second with 45mins. Once they caught their breath, they became increasingly concerned if something happened to the blonde as she was nowhere to be seen.
Finally after 6hours, the blonde finally completes her round, completely exhausted. “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but the both of you cheated on the race. We were supposed to be swimming breast stroke, but I saw the both of you using your arms!”
The brunette comes in first, taking only 30mins to swim around the island. The redhead comes in second with 45mins. Once they caught their breath, they became increasingly concerned if something happened to the blonde as she was nowhere to be seen.
Finally after 6hours, the blonde finally completes her round, completely exhausted. “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but the both of you cheated on the race. We were supposed to be swimming breast stroke, but I saw the both of you using your arms!”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
The wife receives a fax from her husband one day stating the following: "Dear wife. Since you are already 44 now, you cannot satisfy me completely anymore. So I am sending you this fax to tell you that I am at the Hotel Rivera with my 18-year-old secretary and girlfriend now and will be back later on tonight, before 12am definitely."
As the husband arrives back home, just before 12am he finds a note from his wife.
"Dear husband. I thank you for your letter and your consideration in letting me know.
But I do have to remind you, that you yourself are also 44 years of age.
Therefore you also cannot satisfy me completely anymore. Therefore I am at the
Beachfront Hotel now, with my boyfriend and Tennis instructor, who is also 18.
But I won't be back before the morning, because - as I would like to remind you -
18 go more times into 44 than 44 into 18!"
As the husband arrives back home, just before 12am he finds a note from his wife.
"Dear husband. I thank you for your letter and your consideration in letting me know.
But I do have to remind you, that you yourself are also 44 years of age.
Therefore you also cannot satisfy me completely anymore. Therefore I am at the
Beachfront Hotel now, with my boyfriend and Tennis instructor, who is also 18.
But I won't be back before the morning, because - as I would like to remind you -
18 go more times into 44 than 44 into 18!"
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
STRESS is when wife is pregnant.
TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.
PANIC is when both are pregnant.
STRESS is when wife is pregnant.
TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.
PANIC is when both are pregnant.
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
Cinderella was now 75 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And long-forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.,the Fairy Godmother again spoke:
“You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!”
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:
“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And long-forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.,the Fairy Godmother again spoke:
“You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!”
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:
“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
Paco Dennis
SF VIP
- Location
- Mid-Missouri
This is a tough issue for humor but it's their job. ( Onion channel )
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
****THE TOILET SEAT****
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
__________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.
___________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
_________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
__________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on
the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.
___________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did
a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
_________________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
Mizmo
Well-known Member
- Location
- Ontario Canada
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS -
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Lewkat
Senior Member
- Location
- New Jersey, USA
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
The wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.
The husband asked where she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work and then asks him to get a hot bath ready for her.Not thinking too much about it, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked where she got it from. She again says she won it in a raffle at work.
Again asked the husband to get a hot bath ready for her.
The husband again gets the bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home in a brand new car, and yet again claims she won it in a raffle at work.
Without hesitation, the husband goes and gets his wife a hot bath ready. When she entered the bathroom, she sees the tub only has an inch or two of water in it.
The wife asked the husband why it was almost empty, and the husband says that he doesn't want her to get her raffle ticket wet.