The jokes only thread....

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears
"You get one wish" She is straight to the point.
The woman thinks about it but she is content with her life.
Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile, she
tells the genie she wants her cat turned into a handsome man.
"Done," the genie says and vanishes. And true to her word instead of a cat
there is a really good looking man standing on the porch
The woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles,
leans in and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."
 

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.​


Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.
 

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.​


Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
 
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he
appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third
consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again. Where are you from?"
he handed Natalie the money and up to the room, they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
 
Pinky said:
Jon, you post the best jokes! Love Rodney Dangerfield!

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
Click to expand...
My friend Jim submitted some jokes to Rodney. Rodney loved them, but his wife did not like them at all, so Rodney took a pass.

He did an ENORMOUS amount to help other comedians. And was incredibly respected.
 

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.​



The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."
 
An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money…
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said,
“I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her,
“For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her,
“These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent.
But she returned the card to the teller and said,
“Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down, and said to the old lady,
“My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked,
“How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
 


Little Johnny and his family often traveled to visit his grandmother for meals during the holiday season
and special events Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.


One day, Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.
“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook."
 
I used to live next to this very tough guy. Ex- military, ex-police and even ex-bounty hunter. When I was living there he was a corporate security guy. He loved to bust my chops. But, by the way, a very very nice guy. Completely devoted to his mom. Lived with his mom. Devotion to his mother, like from a different generation. Incredible bond of love.

Anyway, he used to bust my chops.

One day, he said to me, "Jon, if you are driving somewhere...take a car...."
 
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'
 
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 

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