The jokes only thread....

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office, he regretted what he had promised, deciding that
the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment
I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
 

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."
 
Sassycakes said:
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."
Click to expand...
snicker.gif
 

A guy loses his job, all his money has gone, all hope is lost and he’s walking miserably towards the dole line, wondering if there’s anybody who could help him. Suddenly there’s thunder and lightning and a scary, blood-covered demon appears in front of him.

He walks over to the man and in a rasping voice whispers in his ear, “I have heard your pleas. I’m ready to give you a million bucks. But you have to agree to give me your wife.”

“OK,” says the guy, “now where’s the catch?”
 

A Child Didn't Attend School​

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
 
An oldie.

Two men walk into their local unemployment office after both being laid-off. The first man approaches the counter and is greeted by a friendly staff member.
"I'd like to collect unemployment payments please" he says."Not a problem sir," the teller asks "What was your last profession?""I made panty hose" he responds."Ok, the staffer says, "your check will be $300. Next!"The first man steps away from the counter eyeing his check. His friend steps up, "I'd like to collect unemployment payments please""Alright sir," the teller asks " and what was your last profession?""Diesel Fitter" he remarks."Right, that's a specialty occupation, your check will be $800"The first man overhears this and jumps in, "Hey! How come I get 300 stinkin' bucks and he gets 800"The teller say professionally "Sir, this man had a special skill""Special Skill my butt! I sew the two halves of the panty hose together and give them to him."The staffer looks betrayed and asks the second man, "Sir you said you were a Diesel Fitter.""I am!" he says, "He gives me the panty hose, I put em on me head and say "Deez'll Fit 'er!"
 
Dirty Old Man Joke
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word, or two?'
 
Chuch Norris Jokes...

some examples:

Chuck Norris Jokes​

  1. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  2. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  3. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  4. Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
  5. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
  6. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
  7. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
  8. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  9. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light


https://parade.com/968666/parade/chuck-norris-jokes/
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of these things.
 
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said... "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
 
A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us push the car? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing"
 
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and said , "To draw out all his money "
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card; three weeks later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day on a motorcycle...
The guards, especially Officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. No matter what they did, they could never find what she was smuggling.
Dogs sniffed and couldn’t find anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep and even disassembling the motorcycle didn’t give a clue as to what she was smuggling.
Many years later, on his last day at the job, Officer Johnson saw the old lady crossing, so he decided to ask her.
He approached her and said, "I know you are smuggling something. I’m retiring today and I beg you to tell me what you are smuggling. I will not charge you.”
The old lady, with compassion, asked "Are you seriously saying you are not going to charge me with anything if I tell you?"
He replied "No I certainly won’t charge you with anything so what are you smuggling?"

"Motorcycles", she said.
 
A man and a woman went for a walk
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knOW when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

After the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
 
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV, there ain't," she replied.
 
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
 
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"
 
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
”Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.

‘Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’
 
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