The jokes only thread....

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt
an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
 

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"
 

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not you cannot have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now You never said you had a prescription."
 
Ok, who wants to hear the world's worst Abraham Lincoln joke?

ready?

So, after President Lincoln was shot, the manager of the Ford's Theater, came up to the First Lady, Mrs. Lincoln and asked, "Ma'am....aside from THAT...uh, um...well, what did ya think of the play?

++++++++++++++++

Personally, I thought it would have been amazing, if Lincoln's last words were an incredible practical joke and he just uttered..."Mary did it...it was her...that gal just hated my guts..."

or, if, you know...Mary WAS actually the one who hired Booth. "You leave your dirty disgusting boots everywhere! I hate you! You'll see, Mr. Tall Man, Mr. Big Shot, I know people...."
 
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his grandson's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one.
They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," he replied.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning,
the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
 
A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.
His young son said, I have no naughty books!

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, When I was your age, I didn't have such books!

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, Oh, you are truly father and son!

The machine quickly hit her.
 
Bert age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them & wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen & said to his wife, " Notice anything different about me?".
Margaret, age 75, looked him over.
" NOPE ".
Frustrated, Bert stormed into the bathroom, undressed & walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, " Notice anything different now? ".
Margaret looked up & said in her best deadpan, " Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow ".
Furious, Bert yelled, " And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?".
" Nope. Not a clue ", she replied.
" It's hanging down, because It's looking at my new boots!!!".
Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
" SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT, BERT!
SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!!.
 

Wife was too skinny

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
 
BABY’S FIRST DOCTOR VISIT

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied.. ‘

Well, ‘strip down to your waist’, the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘ No wonder this
The baby is underweight.

You don’t have any milk. ‘

I know, she said, ‘I’m his Granny, But I’m glad I came’.
 
Four guys are in a hospital waiting room. Their wives are having babies.
A nurse says to the first guy, "Congratulations. You have twins." The guy says, "What a coincidence. I work for the Minnesota Twins."
The nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations. You have triplets." The guy says, "What a coincidence. I work for the 3M Company."
The nurse says to the third guy, "Congratulations. You have quadruplets." The guy says, "What a coincidence. I work for the 4 Seasons Hotel."
The last guy is freaking out & banging his head against the wall. The nurse asks him, "What's wrong; are you OK?"
The guy says, No. I work for 7-11."
 
A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.” answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you
like to make $50,000?”
“Sure, what do I have to do?”
“Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot
that unfaithful witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps followed
by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the
bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What pool?”
“Uh…is this 555-4821?
 
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
He turns around, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him.
‘Thump Thump’
Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually, he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him, and collapses on the sofa.
A few seconds later, and
CRASH
The coffin has burst its way through the front door knocking it off its hinges. Terrified he dodges around the coffin and runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears
‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’
The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in its pursuit.
The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.
The next thing he hears is CRASH
The coffin comes through the door knocking it off its hinges and
it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming.
Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap and throws that too, The coffin keeps coming.
Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Veno's cough medicine and throws it at the coffin &

The coffin stopped!
 

A man goes to confess after 25 years​

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down, and notices a couple of playboy nude calendars on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner, and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
 
Garden Of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well… you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it’s our little secret… You know,
Woman to Woman
 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

Later, that day …

“That was fun,” says the brunette.

“We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”
 
Screw me Twice, Shame on Me …
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity
of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said.
“I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.”
Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”


A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior
partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually,
the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior
partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”


An attorney was working late one night in his office when suddenly,
Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it
so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients
will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous
amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul,
the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all your friends.”
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
 

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