The jokes only thread....

Sassycakes said:
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell,
Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the ever-so-polite bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too,
and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears,
and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said,
"Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold,
you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
Click to expand...

If folks like lawyer jokes...this is a decent collection:

http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html#QandA

here's one from that collection:


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
 

Sassycakes said:
A criminal lawyer tells the defendant, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the defendant.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
Click to expand...

Good one!
 
This one is a good set of stand-up, from Soprano's actor Frank Santorelli (he played Georgie, the bartender at the Bada Bing)


Frank Santorelli - Godfathers of Comedy


 

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth.
The girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

Why, that’s awfully nice of them.
I think I’ll get some for myself, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry.”
‎
 
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
 
In Flames and Inflamed …
A man was sent to hell for his sins.
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment,
he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that
lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
 

A couple of newlyweds were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate lovemaking commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a virgin."​


The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, *god*, I miss him!"

👍🏼
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterward, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
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A guy is in a hotel bar.

A gorgeous woman walks up to him, clearly a "lady of the evening."

She whispers in his ear, "I will do anything you want, ANYTHING, for only $200, if you can just say it in three words."

The man pauses, thinks a moment and says, "Paint my house..."
 

A man is in court. The judge says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"​

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point, a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point, the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next-door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
 
Boob Hanging Out
A blonde was walking down the street.
A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered,
"It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her bikini top."
As he got closer, he realized it was. He approached her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your
right breast is hanging out of your bikini?" She replied, "Oh crap, I left the baby on the bus!"
 
The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”

The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

The redneck, with sweat, rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

The redneck went to the finals.
 
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy,
the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs
and my ball got away and into your closet,
and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took
off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed,
and the lady next door got on top of the daddy and started...".
The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there.
You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him
everything you just told me." Couple of hours later the father
arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and
child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across
the face shouting "I'm leaving you...
Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.
" Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy.
"Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball
upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet,
and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady
next door and you both started hugging and kissing and
the lady next door took off your clothes and you took
off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both
got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of
you and started doing the same thing mom did with
Uncle Joe last summer."
 
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