The jokes only thread....

Sassycakes said:
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"A young couple moved into a new house.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast,
the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash
on the line and said to her husband,
Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life…
What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity, or unfulfilled desires.
Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
Click to expand...
Hey, this was for jokes, not morals.

Did you know nothing starts with "N" and ends with "G"?
 
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

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"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

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I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

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Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

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Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

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Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

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The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need.”

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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine.
 
Joe heard The Legend that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake.
"If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake,
they rented a boat and began paddling.
When the got to the middle of the lake,
Joe stepped off of the side of the boat...
and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm,
he asked his grandmother for an explanation.
"Grandma, why can I not walk on water like the Legend of my father,
and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands,
looked into his eyes, and explained,
"That's because your father, grandfather and
great-grandfather were born in January...
you were born in July, dear."
 
Lil Johnny applys for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and
is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Lil Johnny a pop quiz,
asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were
heading towards each other on the same track?"
Lil Johnny replies: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever brakes off?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and
use the manual lever down there", answers Lil Johnny.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Lil Johnny answers, "I'd run back up here and
use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone is busy?"
"In that case," Lil Johnny argued, "I'd run to the street level and
use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," says LIl Johnny, " I will run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
 
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment, grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that, for a 50-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
"Oh, yeah?" asked her husband. "What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
 
Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men's names. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care where your money came from."
 
The doctor and bus driver were both madly in love with the same young woman, Sarah.
The bus driver had to take a long trip which would last a week before he left why did he
leave Sarah 7 apples

An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
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What is at least 6 inches long, goes into the mouth, and is even better with vibrating?


A toothbrush.
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Is there anything in common between a pregnant woman and a burned cake?


You should’ve taken it out earlier.
 
NASA TO SEND 3 ASTRONAUTS TO SPACE, 2 YEAR MISSION.

NASA allows each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decides to take his wife,
the second decides to take books and learn how to speak German,
and the third astronaut decides to take 200 lbs. of cigarettes.

Two years later the space shuttle lands and
there is a large crowd waiting to welcome them home.
The first to step forward is the astronaut and his wife,
each have a baby in their arms.

Next, out steps the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They gave their speeches / thank yours and get a rousing applause.

Then finally Lil Johnny steps out, the third astronaut has a cigarette in his mouth.
Well, Lil Johnny walks up to the Mic on the podium and
asks the crowd, "Has anyone got a light?"
 
Lil Johnny tells his wife, " am going to start smoking Pot!"
Mrs. Lil Johnnys says, "If you start Doing that **** I'm gonna leave you."
Lil Johnny replies, "That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!"
 
A man & woman were enjoying sex when the woman heard her husbands car pull into the drive way. She panicked & said quick get in the closet.

He did and when in there he heard a young boys voice. The boy said wow it sure is dark in here. The man said be quiet. The boy said I sure could use a new baseball. The man said here's $10.00 buy yourself one & be quiet.

A couple of weeks pass & the man & woman are back at it again. Same thing woman hears her husband. Back into the closet Same boys voice saying wow it sure is dark in here. Same request to be quiet. This time the boy says I need a new glove to go with the new ball. The man say's here's $25.00 for a glove now please be quiet.

A few days later the woman sees her son with the new ball & glove & asks where he got them. The boy explains that the man in the closet gave him money to buy them. The mother said that was wrong of him and that he should go down to the church to ask for forgiveness.


He did. When he got into the confessional booth he said wow it sure is dark in here..

The priest said Don't start that again.
 
I'm left watching as everyone else around me seems to have it figured out.

With each passing year, it gets harder and harder, lonelier and lonelier.

I must be doing something wrong. There must be some fundamental part of me that IS wrong because everyone else is having sex. Animals do it. Most of the population does it. Hell, the kids I used to babysit are closer to having sex than I am at this point.

What is it about me that is so unappealing to the opposite sex? Surely, there are plenty of people who are more insecure than me, shyer than me, and weigh more/less than me that are having sex. With each passing year, I stack more and more things on that list of what I must be doing wrong. And it must be me, right?

After so many years, I can't tell anymore if my insecurities and uncertainties are a direct result of being a virgin or vice-versa. They're all so tangled I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. But having gone my entire adult life without someone wanting me? Desiring me? Needing me? It's damn near paralyzing some days.
Why should it be so difficult for a 32 year old Virgin? Why all the insecurity and frustration of loneliness? I don't lay there at night thinking why can't I get fulfilling sex, a great relationship with him and a marriage / family + future. What's wrong?
 
Judy is bored with driving her BMW. It lacks individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office has one. She fancies something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. So she goes to a local car dealer and spies a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It's wonderfully restored and she just loves its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she's tearing down the Tree lined road enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long hair flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there's a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasts to a stop. She gets out and lifts the hood and concludes after a few minutes that she doesn't have a clue of what's wrong. Luckily she has her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait She sees a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?
Judy replies, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Thank goodness," she says, "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked The Blond asks, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your ***** was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new *****. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
 
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