The jokes only thread....

Q. What did the atom say after losing an electron
A. ‘I really gotta keep an ion them.’
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Q. Guess what’s on the menu?

A. Me-n-u.
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Q. Why are boyfriends like parking spaces?

A. The good ones are already taken!
 
Herby is the Father of 3. Herby is divorce court and asks
the Judge, "I would like to have Custody of my Kids."
The Judge ponders Herby's request and says, "Let's hear your justification."
After a long silence, Herby slowly rises from the Chair and replies,
"Your Honor, when I put Cash in a vending machine and a Coke comes out,
does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
 
An Army Drill Sergeant took some recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them “There are three rules in this mess hall- Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
 
Marriages are made in heaven.
Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take a separate vacation
we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
 
Karen's a Call Girl & visits her doctor for a regular check-up.
" Are there specific problems you can tell me about?" Lil Johnny says.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," Karen says. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," Lil Johnny answers, "it is possible." Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" So, Karen thinks, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars."
 
All men have it. Some have theirs longer than others sometimes depending on
where they come from. The Pope and most Catholic bishops rarely use theirs.
Men usually give it to their wives once they are married. What am I?
Their last name.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations
– we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
 
For her birthday, the wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" he asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
 
At the Long Island house party, Lil Johnny takes a Blonde Hottie to fishing with him on the Sound. After several hours & no luck, he asks the Hottie, “Do you think we ought to try chumming?” The hot blonde chick looks toward the house on the distant shore, then replies, “We sure can. They won't see us from there.”
 
Hiding in the closet
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it’s..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
 
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