The jokes only thread....

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, two EMTs—rushed to her home. One placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen.
Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," he said with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
 

"Well," the Hottie Blonde says, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are in a management position, due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made promises which you have no idea and no intensions to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, well, your dilemma, it's all my fault!"
 
The new Chief wants to lead his people and gain respect so he calls the National Weather Service, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the Meteorologist replies. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asks. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
 

Casey and Riley agree to settle their dispute Over a Hot Blonde by a fight, and it's understood that whoever wants to quit should say "Enough." Casey gets Riley down and is hammering him unmercifully and Riley Yells, "Enough, enough!" Casey pays no attention, keeps on administering punishment, a bystander says, "Why don't you let him up? Didn't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, I can't believe him.
 
One day Satan appeared before an Elderly man sitting on a Park Bench and says, "Do you know who I am?"
The Old Guy replies, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't." says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asks Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute, "
replies the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound,
horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Naturally," says the Old Guy.
"But you're still not afraid of me?" persists Satan. "Nope," says the old man. More than a little perturbed,
Satan ask, "Why have you no fear of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
 
Frantically, the Zookeepers try everything, but
they can't get the escaped Cobra back in its enclosure.
Finally they all agree that one should, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"We need someone who speaks a Snakes language!"
 
Remember my Husbands name is John!:D

Little Johnny walked in on his mum showering and asked, “What’s that between your legs?” His mum says, “That’s my keyhole.” Later in the day Little Johnny walks in on his dad showering and asks the same question. His dad says, “That’s my key.” The next day Little Johnny tells his dad, “Daddy, the neighbor has his key inside mummy’s keyhole.”
And that’s how Little Johnny’s parents ended up divorced!
:D :D :D
 
My husband says funny things when he talks in his sleep. Sometimes I give him the wifely elbow because he snores loudly. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Flip over—you’re snoring.,” I said. He did as told and muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”
 
“Hey! What are you doing up there?”
Monkey says “Smoking a joint Lizard, come up and have some.”
Lizard climbs up and sits next to Monkey and they share a joint. After a while, Lizard says, mouths dry, I'm going to get a drink from the river.
Lizard climbs & walks to the river, leans over to get his drink. Lizard is stoned, leans too far and falls into the river.
Croc sees this and goes over to Lizard and helps him back to the bank. Croc asks Lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
Lizard says, "I'm smoking a joint with Monkey, got too stoned and then fell into the river while getting a drink."
Crocodile says, "I got to check this out," waddles with his Croc walk across to where Monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, “Hey you!”
Monkey says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”
 
Last edited:
The new young Indian Chief needs to lead his tribe, wisdom and respect are needed with this Duty. So, the young Chief calls the NWB and makes inquiries about the following summer. The Person in the Weather Bureau says, "it's gonna be a hot, dry and Brutal one. "How Can you tell," asks the young Chief, "I need accurate weather forecasts." "The Indians are Camping next to good Streams in fertile valleys," says the NWB.
 
The Blonde gets pulled over; she's driving the wrong way on the One-Way downtown.
LEO, do you know what you are doing?" The Blonde Says No.
"You're driving the wrong way on a One-Way Street."
LEO then Asks, "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars are leaving".
 
What do wives and hurricanes have in common?
On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.
=====================================
How is a wife like bacon?
They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dude: My wife left me for my best friend.
Dude’s buddy: I thought I was your best friend.

Dude: Now he is, obviously.
 
The new maid
A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

"Is this the maid"

"Yes"

"Well may I speak to my wife?"

"Well....she's in bed with a man"

The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot the both of them"

The husband hears the gunshots and the maid returns to the phone, telling him she shot both of them.

The husband says, "Now I want you to take both bodies and throw them into the pool"

The maid says, "What pool???"

The husband says, "Is this 387-6476?"
 
I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…
"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"

That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
 
Before and After Matrimony
(Before Matrimony)
1) Him: Yes! Finally! The wait was real hard!
2) Her: Do you want to leave me?
3) Him: No, don't even think it.
4) Her: Do you love me?
5) Him: Of course
6) Her: Have you cheated on me?
7) Him: Noo! How dare you ask me that?
8) Her: Would you kiss me?
9) Him: On every opportunity I have
10)Her: Would you hit me?
11)Him: Are you crazy! Not that type of person
12)Her: Can I count on you?
13)Him: Yes
14)Her: My Love! (After Matrimony: Now Read From 14 to 1)
 
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
 
The man gets his rotors and brake pads delivery. Jacks his truck and sets it on stands. Pulls the tires off and takes all the old worn out brake parts off, opens the box and the parts fit a fiat. Then a really bad storm hits and a Tornado does serious damage somewhere. Is there a moral to the day? Sure there is! That drunk, he ain’t driving that ol truck. Hahahahhaha
 
Her, “can i help you?”
him, “sure!”
Her, “what cha want me to do?”
Him, “stop distracting me.”
Her, “I really want to help?”
Him, “This is really heavy an if I drop it a. Lots of bad things will happen!”
HER, “WELL; I STILL WANT TO HELP YOU!”
Him, “will you go to town and get a 30 pack of brews?”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top