The jokes only thread....

Went into this bar that Had a bunch of HD's out front.
It seemed to be a cool place to hang so I went up to the Bar.
Noticed these 7 ladies of varying ages at the bar wearing
leathers. They were talking with a hard story!
Well, went right up to them and with the best of intentions said
"Hi, are you Babes interested in a lil fun?
That was the last thing I remembered.
 

Lil Johnny wants to spend his retirement days playing golf!
The day came and he's golfing every day."
It becomes frustrating cause he can't see the ball for shit!
He is ready to toss the Putter in the Lake and quit!
His wife who also likes to play Isn't gonna go there!
Mrs. Lil Johnny says "honey, go get my DAD,
he has perfect vision! Let's give it a try" So,
They take DAD along for 18 Holes. 1st tee shot lil Johnny
hits a beauty Down the middle of the fairway.
Dad says, "I can't remember where it is!"
 

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An Elderly Irish l lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying ******?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish ******.”
"What on Earth is Irish ******?" she asked.
"It's ****** dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"
"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the ****** in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"
"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, Doctor...
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
 
When God created Adam and Eve...
He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.

So God gave Adam the gift.

Adam was amazed, screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, and peeing on every tree.

He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee on the sand

He lit a fire and played fireman.

God and Eve stared at the madman with happiness, until Eve asked God:

And... What is the other present?

And God answered:

A Brain, Eve ... The brain is yours !!!
 
Why is heaven always so tidy?


Because cleanliness is next to Godliness.
***************************************

What kind of music did the kids play for their dad?

Pop music!
**************************************************




Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing!
 
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms
The pharmacist asks "How Many"
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. So can I get 10?" The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
 
St. Peter shakes Bob the Builder's hand at the Pearly Gates and says, "Congratulations Bob,
we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed,
Bob the Builder looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life,
I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what?
"I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at Bob the Builders modesty.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
Bob the Builder can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech he says, "Saint Peter, I lived my life
in the eternal hope that when I died, I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy,
but I only lived to be forty." " Bob that's simply impossible, " says Saint Peter.
"We've added up the time sheets."
 
I’ve spent the last three years looking for my wife’s killer. I still haven’t found a person willing to do it.
_________________________________________________________________
Who is the kid who refuses to grow up and move away from you? Your husband.
_____________________________________________________________
What happens when you mix birth control and LSD? You get a trip without kids.
 
The doctor and his wife were playing golf at the club and she drove a 300-yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor said Wow I have never seen you play this well before!
Marie says I took lessons.

A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point.

The doctor said Wow I have never seen you hit so well before!

Marie says I took lessons.

On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home.

Marie brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and the doctor says Wow I have never seen you cook like this before!


She says I took lessons.

After dinner, she gives him That look and they go upstairs.

About 30 minutes later the doctor rolls over and says Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.
 
"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, a friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"
 
Four men are in the hospital waiting rooms because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.” The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence because I work for the Minnesota Twins.” The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.” The man says, “That’s weird because I work for the 3M company.” The nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets!” The man says, “That’s strange because I work for the Four Seasons hotel.” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” she asks the other one ? he replies "I work for 7 up.
 
What’s the secret to a happy marriage?
Find a woman who can cook and clean.
A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money.
Make sure these three women never meet.
******************************************

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A wife accepts credit cards.
********************************************************

What’s the best way to love thy neighbor?
When her husband’s away on business.
 

A golfer makes a hole-in-one.​

A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole-in-one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says.
" I am the hole-in-one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest lover in the world."
The guy thinks it over and says: " I think I want to shoot par."

The fairy says: "You must have a pretty good sex life, how often do you have sex?"
The guy says: " Maybe once every two weeks."
The fairy says: "Is that all?"
The guy replies: " For a priest in a small town, that's pretty good."
 
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
____________________________________________________
“I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”
___________________________________________________________
“I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say "NO"
 
I paid $8,000 for a prime registered black angus bull. I turned him out and he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. Called the vet, he looked him over and said he was fine but gave me some pills to give him. Next day he’s mounted and servicing all the cows. Today he broke through a fence to service the neighbors cows. I’m not sure what was in the pills the vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!
 
1st Adam stays out very late for a few nights.
1st Eve gets upset. "You're running around with other women," she says.
"Eve, my darling, you're being unreasonable," 1st Adam responds.
"You know, you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continues and 1st Adam falls asleep,
but is awakened by a horrible pain in his chest.
It's his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What are you doing?" Adam demands.
"Counting your ribs," says Eve.
 
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that...

I'm getting a fax!!!'
 
Lil Johnny and Mrs. Lil Johnny have purchased a new Computer.
Mrs. Johnny helps her husband set up and install it.
Once it is completed, she asks him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and
with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... my*****.
Lil Johnny then hits 'enter', to validate the selection,
Mrs. Lil Johnny laughs & roles on the floor in hysteria!
The computer replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
 
Lil Johnny opens the large old family Bible. He looks with fascination
at the ancient pages and turns them one by one. He's still in Genesis
when something falls out of the Bible. Lil Johnny picks it up and inspects it.
It's a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible
long ago."Momma, look what I found!" Lil Johnny calls out to his Mom.
"What do you have there?" his mother asks. With astonishment in his voice,
Lil Johnny says, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
 
A golfer makes a hole-in-one.

A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole-in-one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says.
" I am the hole-in-one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest lover in the world."
They guy thinks it over and says: " I think I want to shoot par."

The fairy says: "You must have a pretty good sex life, how often do you have sex?"
The guy says: " Maybe once every two weeks."
The fairy says: "Is that all?"
The guy replies: " For a priest in a small town, that's pretty good."
 
This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it.
One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught.
The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting.

Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck'em dry."
 
A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. Did God make you, PopPop? the girl asks.
Yep! He certainly did the old man answers.
And did he make me too? she asks next.

Of course, he did, the old man answers again.
Well, she replies, he's certainly getting better at it.
 

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