The jokes only thread....

Two blondes are on the road along a wheat field and
they see a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver turns to her blonde friend and says,
"You know - it's what blondes like that and you know it's,
what they are doing that give us a bad name!" .....

To this, Her Blonde passenger says,
"I know, if I knew how to swim,
I'd go out there and tell her how dumb she is!"
 
Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: "Yes, dear."
*********************************************

My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven't fit in my pants since March.
*********************************************

Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were having lunch discussing how they use their congregation's donations.

The priest says, "I draw a big circle on the floor. I throw all the money into the air. What falls in the circle, I give to God.
What falls out of the circle, I use for my measly existence."

The minister says, "I also draw a big circle on the floor and toss the money into the air. But I do the opposite. Whatever money falls outside the circle, I give to God. Whatever falls inside the circle, I use for my humble existence."

The rabbi says, " I don't bother making a circle. I just toss all the money into the air. I figure, whatever God wants, God keeps".
 
The blonde is shopping with her husband and
she decides that she should shop in different parts of the mall.
So, they meet in the middle 2 hours later
and she says, "I just got 2 kids."
Her husband stares amazed, looking at the kids, he says,
"Those are 2 baby goats!"
Later that night they are in bed &
both talked in their sleep. She loves auctions;
his hobby is golf. As they slept, the golfer yells, "Fore!"
His wife calls out, "Four and a quarter!"
The next day the Blonde goes to the pet shop.
A blonde wants to buy a goldfish.
The salesperson asks if she needs an aquarium.
The Blonde replies, 'I don't care what sign it is.'
 
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence
*******************************************

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
“Thanks for coming!
****************************************************


How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
***************************************************************

You play with it at night and it vibrates. What is it?

A cell phone.
 
A man walks into a bar on a Friday evening. He tells the bartender,
"I'd like three shots of your finest Irish whiskey, please."
The bartender lines the three shots up for him, the gent pays for his drinks,
enjoys the whiskeys, and leaves without another word.
The next Friday, the patron comes back and places the same order.
"I'd like three shots of your finest Irish whiskey, please," he says.
He pays, he drinks, and again, he leaves without a word.
This goes on every Friday for months. Finally, one Friday, the bartender asks,
"Would you like to try something else, sir?"
"Ah, no," the man replies. "You see, these are for my two brothers back in Dublin.
I have one shot for Colin, one shot for James, and one for me. Colin and James are doing the same across the pond, and it's like we're all drinking together."
Well, that's a nice tradition, the barkeep thinks. They strike up a conversation,
and become friends.
The years pass, and every Friday, the man comes in for his whiskey.
Until one day the man enters, looking a bit depressed, and says,
"Gimme two shots of your finest Irish whiskey."
"Oh, no," the bartender says. "Don't tell me something happened to Colin or James
— is everything okay back home?"
"No, no, everything is fine," the guy replies.

"My brothers are healthy as horses, don't you worry. It's just that I decided to stop drinking."
 
Lil Johnny now an elderly Rancher is searching his closet for a clean T-shirt.
In the back of the closet, he sees a small box containing three eggs and a lot of $1 bills.
Well, Lil Johnny asks his wife, "What's the box in the Closet for?" Embarrassed, Nancy says,
"I have kept it in the Closet since we got married over 30 years ago." So, Lil Johnny asks, "Why?"
Nancy says, "I didn't want to hurt your Feelings, Lil Johnny!" So, Lil Johnny asks her, "How could the
box hurt my feelings?" Nancy answers, "Every time during their marriage that he made a
bad luck decision I had placed an egg in the box." Well, 3 eggs in 30 years was certainly nothing
to feel bad about, so he asks her, "What's the $100 for. She replies, "Each time I got a dozen eggs,
I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
 
The seven dwarfs are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
 
Apparently, the act of sex can help you burn the same amount of calories as running eight miles, the wife read. The husband wondered how it could run eight miles in merely 30 seconds on Earth.

What is the common point between bacon and a wife? They’re both great in terms of taste, smell and looks. However, they will both cause a slow death.

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between br*asts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A Seatbealt
 
Lil Johnny has a problem of speeders passing his place near the beach by the Ocean.
As time passes the traffic gets heavier and driving faster, an it becomes difficult even to get the Mail.
So one day Lil Johnny calls the sheriff's office and said, "Can you do something about all of these Drivers?
People Speeding so fast on my highway past my Home!" So the next day The Sheriff starts patrolling and
Has a Speed Radar check installed near Lil Johnnys place. That really sped them up.. So, Lil Johnny tells the
Sheriff, "Your Radar sign and patrolling the highway Don't seem to make any difference. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff says, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He has become frustrated also about the speeders past Lil Johnny's
place, other residents in the County are also complaining! So, Lil Johnny erects a sign by his property line.
The Calls magically stop, the sheriff relaxes with fewer calls, three weeks pass, no more calls from Lil Johnny!
So, curiosity gets to the sheriff, he decides to Patrol up past Lil Johnnys place." He thinks to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
His jaw drops the moment he reads the sign.. It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood: "NUDIST COLONY"
 
The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”
Little Johnny responds: “Ten.”
Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats and another 3 cats and then another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”
Little Johnny responds again: “Well… ten.”
The teacher, becoming slightly frustrated, tries a different way: “Let’s try another example. If I gave you 3 oranges, then another 3 oranges, and then again another 3 oranges, how many oranges would you have? Little Johnny: “Well, 9.”
Teacher, happier, responds: “That’s correct. Now if I gave you 3 cats, and another 3 cats, and another 3, how many cats would you have?” Johnny: “Ten!” Teacher: “Little Johnny, how did you even calculate 10?” Little Johnny: “Because I already have a cat at home."
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that's closed for the night.
They approach one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,
''Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, doesn't respond.
The young alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien says, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The young alien ignores the warning and repeats his greeting. Again, there's no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he draws his ray gun and says impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warns his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!"
" I really don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replies the cocky, young alien. He aims his weapon at the pump and opens fire.
There's a huge explosion. A massive fireball roars towards them and blows the younger alien
off his feet and deposits him a burnt, smoking mess in a cactus patch.
He refocused his three eyes, straightens his bent antenna, and looks at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leans over, places a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replies,
"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels,
you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his pen*s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
 
So these three couples all die together in a bus accident.
They get up to the pearly gates where St. Peter is standing guard.
The first man tells Peter that they would like admittance to heaven.
St. Peter checks the life logs and tells him "No can do"
All your life all you ever cared about was money. Look, you even married a girl named Penny.
They sadly walk away.

The second man approaches St. Peter and asks admittance into heaven.
Again Peter checks the life logs and says "No can do"
All your life, all you ever cared about was precious gems. Look, you even married a girl named Ruby.
They sadly walk away as well.

The third guy turns to his wife and says: "Let's go Fanny, it's no use".
 
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then he just walks off. "Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the LeprechaunA golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then he just walks off. "Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas m, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
 
No Secrets in Marriage Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've...I've been a hooker." "That's alright." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
 


Back
Top