The jokes only thread....

Sassycakes said:

Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....​

It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dear God. If I'm good for one week will you get me a BMX bike.' He folds the letter and then thinks 'No. One week is too long.' He writes another letter. 'Dear God. If I'm good for one day, will you get me a BMX bike.' Looking at the letter he screws it up. One day is too long. He jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home and shoves it under his bed. He then writes another letter. 'Dear God. If you want to see your mother again......'
Click to expand...
Lol ... Love it. Keep 'em coming.
 
What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
***************************************************
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other, "Do you have to do that right now?"
***********************************************
Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
 

The Blonde is at the Job interview, goes thru the usual and then is asked,
"How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look
on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm -
wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer:
"Thirty two" The interviewer is stunned and asks her:
"Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing the theme song,
"Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
 

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.​

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?

You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.

So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?

Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'


👍🏼
 
Sassycakes said:

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.​

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?

You came home s**... and got that black eye tripping over a chair.

So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?

Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to t**... clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'


👍🏼
Click to expand...
Certainly worth remembering if you come home plastered.
 
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months
 
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, and sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
 
Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you"
 
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A good neighbor decided to help the "Slow" son of his next door neighbor, who was worried about what would happen when he became a teenager and knew nothing about
having sex.

He told him to stand in the center of the round bedroom rug and watch him and his wife They got into bed and vigorously made love. When they finished, about 30 minutes later, both panting and wore out, they saw the boy was laughing out loud over and over again.

Why are you laughing he ask the boy. "I jumped out of the circle 3 times and you never
even saw me!"
 
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
In the last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Ellie May got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Ellie May got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Ellie May
didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what are you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Ellie May with me."
 
“Whales at sea”
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon.
The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago.
He asks the female whale “Let’s both get under the boat,
blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple then
They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks.
However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore.
The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale
“Let’s catch them and just eat them up.”
But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in:
“Look, I did the ******** just like you asked,
but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
 
The hospital visit: A wealthy financial backer of a hospital goes on a tour with the hospital director. As she walks past one of the patient rooms,
she can’t help but notice a patient mast*rb*ting. She is shocked, but the director explains
“This man suffers from Semenitis, a rare medical condition where his test*cles fill up too quickly.”
The woman says “I suppose it is ok then”. Continuing their visit, they now walk past a room where
a patient receives oral from a nurse. Shocked again, the woman asks, “And why is THIS happening in your hospital??”
The director calmly responds “Same condition. The patient just has a better healthcare plan.”
 
During a discussion about death at Church school, one of the nuns asks:
“What do you think The Lord takes us by when we die?” Little Johnny quickly raises his hand and answers: “I think He takes us by our feet.” Intrigued,
the nun replies, “That’s very interesting, Little Johnny. What makes you think that?”
Little Johnny smiles at her and says, “Because last night I went into my parents’
bedroom and saw my mom’s feet in the air while she was yelling ‘Oh My God, I’m coming!’”
 
Sassycakes said:
“Whales at sea”
A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon.
The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago.
He asks the female whale “Let’s both get under the boat,
blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple then
They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks.
However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore.
The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, asked the female whale
“Let’s catch them and just eat them up.”
But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in:
“Look, I did the ******** just like you asked,
but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.
Click to expand...
Well, I guess the bottom line is that B-jobs do tend to be quite successful at getting the seamen out of the boat.
 
Abe now a senior has worked hard all his life but failed to love or Marry.
One evening he frequents the local bar and there meets a Blonde Hottie.
Its love at 1st site and soon they marry and elope to Florida to Honeymoon.
When they return to settle down to married life a Friend asks him, "how was it."
Well, Abe says, "it was great, the sun, the Surf & we made love almost every night!"
"at your age, how did you make love most every night" asks the buddy?
"We almost made love Monday, We almost made love Tuesday" .....
 

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