The jokes only thread....

A blond guy and a brunette girl ​


A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other kid's father?
 

The Blond wants her house painted inside so she hires a local Contractor.
Monday morning mid-day he shows up to go over her needs wid her.
She leads him to the 1st room and he looks for a window, opens it and yells green side up.
Then she shows him the 2nd room, once again he opens a window, leans out and yells green side up.
Next she leads him to her bedroom, and he says, "one moment please, opens the window and
again yells green side up. The Blonde stamps her foot and says, "3 rooms, 3 different colors,
what's with the green side up code?" "Oh, I'm sorry Lady, It's my crew, their laying Sod over there."
 
Me: Is 32°F equal to 0°C ?
Teacher: Yes.
Me: So is 0°C + 0°C equal to 64°F ?
iu
 

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said,
"You think you had a bad day you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 

James Bond walks into a bar​

He looks around and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it*."

The intrigued woman says "*A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?*"

Bond explains "*It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically*".

The lady says "*Whats it telling you now?"*

"*Well, it says you are not wearing any panties.*"

The woman giggles and replies, "*Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties*"

Bond smirks taps his watch and says,

"*Bloody thing's an hour fast*"
 
Sassycakes said:

James Bond walks into a bar​

He looks around and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it*."

The intrigued woman says "*A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?*"

Bond explains "*It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically*".

The lady says "*Whats it telling you now?"*

"*Well, it says you are not wearing any panties.*"

The woman giggles and replies, "*Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties*"

Bond smirks taps his watch and says,

"*Bloody thing's an hour fast*"
Click to expand...
I don't care who you are ..... now that's funny!
 
The Hottie Blonde hails a cab. It pulls over and
she gets in the front seat beside the Driver.
Destination given they arrive and its $76.
The Hottie blond pulls up her split skirt and the Taxi
driver exclaims, "haven't you anything smaller?"
 
You know the old saying the Girls look beautiful at closing?
Well one night I's at my Bar and this hot Red Head walks up to me
and says, is it true that men with really big boots are also well endowed?
I invited her to my place to find out. The next morning, she left me $200 with the
Card. Get a pair of Boots that fit Cowboy.
 
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole,” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is too wide.”
 
A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies
The students are taken to the morgue and once in there, they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to learn two lessons." Says the teacher, as she turns around the dead body and spreads his asscheeks. "The first lesson is to not be disgusted by the human body." Without flinching the teacher then pushes one of her fingers inside of the man's rectum and then licks it. "Alright, now each one of you has to do it. If you can't you are failed." A couple of students flake and leave the morgue, the rest get in line and do as asked. One by one they proceed to push their index finger inside the dead man's rectum and then lick it. A few vomit as well. "Very well. As I said there are two lessons.
The first one is to not be disgusted, the second one is to pay attention. I fingered it with my index finger, I licked my middle finger.
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings the wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that
Towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks her “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next-door neighbor,” she replies. “Great the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”


Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
 
I believe your parents must be bakers to produce such a cutie pie as you.
*****************************************


I’m not a gambler, but I’ve just allowed my heart and my mind to bet that I will never stop loving you.
*********************************

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand while he pulls a male buffalo. As soon as he got inside, the Indian said to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
“Sure, Chief. Coming right up,” the waiter replied, soon returning with a large mug of coffee.
After drinking down the coffee in one gulp, the Indian turned and shot the buffalo with his shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter all over the place as he walked out of the cafe.
The next morning, the Indian returned to the cafe. Once again, he had a shotgun in one hand and he was pulling a male buffalo in the other. Walking up to the waiter, he said, “Want coffee.”
“Whoa, Tonto!” the waiter replied. “We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
With a huge smile on his face, the Indian responded, “Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for the rest of the day
 
Karen, a blond is walking on the Beach near her high-rise.
Karens hotel is on the Gulf Coast, & she sees a lamp lying in the Sand.
She pulls it out of the Sand and rubs off the grime to see a beautiful Artifact &
Poof a Genie appears in his magnificent musculature presence before her. Well, she
immediately gets ultra hot as a Blonde can immediately get when she sees Manly.
Our very Manly Genie asks, " What cha need sweetheart?"
"Gosh I don't know; I wish all the other Genies were here to help me!"
 
An American man was driving through the South when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100-pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished, the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said: "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this, so in order to convince him, the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay, the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman."
 
The attending Physician informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and
The Hottie Blonde Barmaid delivers his first drink of Alcohol. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar bursts into a whoop of joy. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! With his new hands he reaches down, and downs it, Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The Hottie sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
 
3 sisters got married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second-oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."
 
Sassycakes said:
3 sisters got married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second-oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."
Click to expand...
I actually laughed out loud. That's a great one.
 

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