The jokes only thread....

Lil Johnny now a Handicapped returnee from war goes into his old neighborhood bar !
What the hell happened to you? asks the really Hot Bar Maid!
Why do you have a hook on your right hand?
Well; Lil Johnny thinks on that and He replies:
"Its a very long War Story, a Grenade lands in our trench and
a Mortar follows it before I can do much !"
"You know, I lost some stuff in that fight for sure!"
The Really Hot Bartender is Moved by it and says,
"You lost your eye and you got the eye patch?“
But Lil Johnny always a gentleman confesses, " that is because seagull **** into my eye On a Beach !"
The barmaids been around and responds, "What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from Bird **** in an Eye!"
So; Lil Johnny has to think a moment, and he says, "Yes that is true, but I only had the hook for a short time!"
 

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.​

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…

“Son, go get your Mother.”
 
I Could really use an invisible force shield for self-protection.
Say one that clipped to the brim of my cap. You know I
touch the tip of the cap and I am protected from the hotties I
meet immediately. I am still respectful cause I nod the brim
to them Hotties. I would also like to have it when I carry.
Just a small shield up Scotty. Whatever Personality I have
now would go unheeded in the future. That's a useful thought.
 
When Lil Johnny is born he weighs 10 lbs.
The odd thing about him, his body,
it weighs five pounds and
his testicles weigh five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor don't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walks in and
asks, "what's wrong ?".
The head nurse replies in a quivering voice,
"We don't know what to do with baby Lil Johnny !"
So the chief surgeon took one look and says,
"You should put Baby Lil Johnny into a mental institution."
"Why?" asks the head nurse.
"Well," replies the chief surgeon,
"take a look at him.
Baby Lil Johnny already half nutz."
 
Lil Johnny, a farmer is in his bar sipping a good head of Draft &
the hottie comes in and sits on the Bar stool next to him & orders Champaign.
Lil Johnny introduces himself and ponders, "Why a Champaign?"
"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," says the hot young Babe.
'What a coincidence!' says Lil Johnny a farmer and they clink glasses.
So, he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
So, the Hottie says, "My husband and I have been trying to have a Baby and today my
gynecologist told me that I am with Child!"
"What a coincidence!" says Lil Johnny, "I'm a chicken farmer and all last
year my hens were all infertile, but now they all are laying eggs again."
"That's great!" says the incredible Chick, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I got me a different Rooster," Lil Johnny proudly replies!
Well; Mrs Hottie smiles, clinks his glass and says, "That's Amazing."

(Hope a bird flu vaccine comes nest for us) Struggling with getting appointments for the stab are great fun.
 
On New Year's Eve Past She
stands up in their local Bar and
says that it's time to get ready.
Everyone rushes the bar and orders.
She says later, "At the stroke of midnight.
all should stand next to the one person
who makes his life worth living.
As the clock strikes 12,
the bartender gets rushed orders again.
 
Hottie walks into one of a Dozen Bars on a cruise ship,
Orders a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and
she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday,
and it's today." The bartender answers,
"Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
The old bat finishes her drink and a Woman, to her right says,
I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The Senile old gal says, "Thank you,
how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
And she feels gas coming up the pipes. "Coming up," says the bartender.
And she finishes that drink, a man, to her left, says, "I'd like to buy you a drink too."
The Hag belches, farts & says, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender,
I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives the Old Witch her drink, this time, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old Old Bag gargles, chokes and cough a bit then replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Water, however, is a whole other issue."
 
A Private Jet is about to crash, The first passenger, Bill Clinton said,
"I am president of the United States and I have a great responsibility,
being the leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower, etc., "
so he Grabs the parachute from 10 years old Boy Scout
Lil Johnny, and jumps out of the plane. The Pilot of the Corp. Jet says,
Lil Johnny I will sacrifice my life, take my Chute!
Lil Johnny says, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you."
"The world's most powerful, smartest man just stole my backpack."
 

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.​

In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
 
The blonde is taking helicopter lessons. The instructor says,
"I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter.
"What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
 
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when
they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground.
Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and
tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
Then they both picked up an old railroad tie,
dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down.
Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and
jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered,
the two men just looked at each other,
trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon Lil Johnny ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here.
The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
Well; Lil Johnny laughed and said,
"That couldn't be my dog.
My dog was tied to a railroad tie!" .....
 
Bill and Hil once visited The Dubuque, Iowa, city Dump.
As they were sitting there Bill's contemplating a major clean up Fund,
Bill's always up to the task at hand is putting on a pair of ND running shoe
while Hill is writing a page from her new book.
Meanwhile the SS protection has moved away some football fields due to
the raising stench of the changing winds.
After a bit of sitting under an umbrella in the sun near the site Hil notices Bill for the first time and asks,
" Y my Darling Bill are you changing your Dress Black Shoes for ND Running Shoes ?
Bill the forever quick witted one, rouses from his Monica memory phantasies and replies,
"Y Hill, they are to outrun those Scavenging Bear over thar!"
 
A child psychologist has twin sons. One was an optimist, the other, a pessimist.
Deciding on a family experiment, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room
with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.

The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
 
Last edited:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slowly."
 

A blonde walks into a hospital and claims that everywhere she touches hurts…​

The doctor says, "Ma'am, you have a broken finger."
***********************************

Why did the blonde think she was a genius after completing her jigsaw puzzle?​

The box said "for two to five years" and it only took her one.
***********************************

Three blondes walk into a building…​

You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
 
The old and wrinkled wretch walks into the Barber shop and asks for a Shave.
He tells the Barber how hard it is to shave his wrinkles old face.
The barber hands him a wooden baseball and says put it in each cheek as I shave you.
So later The old Guy says, "What would of happened if I had swallowed the ball.
The Barber says, So, just bring in back in a few days like everyone else does!"
 
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
This joke thread is my favorite thread....


There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
 
The Guys dressed in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, he slows to a stop in his BMW, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman in the U.S. government," says the cowboy. "Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top