The jokes only thread....

Proctor & Gamble is set to file suit over trademark infringements over Apple's new Max iPad.
My 100-year-old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring. I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.
She poked around in her notebook and said "required". It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'
 

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report that her husband Lil Johnny now a grown up is missing.
The Sargent policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4,
has dark eyes dark wavy hair,
an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,
is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested,
"Your husband Lil Johnny is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald,
has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants to get Lil Johnny back?"
 
Several weeks after a young man had been hired,
he gets called into the personnel manager’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked.
“When you applied for the job,
you told me you had 5 years’ experience.
Now I discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said,
“In your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
 

Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However,
he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the
following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful
princess and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain
from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling."
But at the end of the two years, he wished to tell her that he loved her.
Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total
number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years, he realized that he had
to ask her to marry him. So, he waited another four years without speaking.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely
princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden
the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his,
said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" The princess tucked a strand of golden hair
behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
 
A woman went with her husband to the doctor.
After his check up, the doctor took her aside and said:
"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

~Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
~Make him a warm, nutritious meal for lunch and send him back to work in a good frame of mind.
~For dinner, fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores.
~Have s*x with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked "Well...what did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die" she replied.
 
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Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has anoffice just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Moe, Larry and Curley had a better Plan.
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's stop off for a Brew!
 
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papa tiger said:
Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Yourinsurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into twocategories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longerparticipating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has anoffice just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Moe, Larry and Curley had a better Plan.
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's stop off for a Brew!
Click to expand...
I believe it was a third world medical philosophy that said that in order to deal with Covid, everybody should stay home from work and must wear a mask to go out and get a breath of fresh air.
 
stupid is as stupid does and Ron White once said there is no fix for Stupid, no pill or drink, no therapy for stupid. "Sumpten like that"

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. ....:love:


She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
 
A, There are a lot of good things to be said about wearing the mask.
1. You can contaminate the same air you breath.
2. You can become allergic to yourself
3. You can enable your immune systems own shut down with allergic symptoms
4. Your gonna get sick anyway
5. Sure the Chinese love wearing masks, there are 40 million of them living in their block, who wants to look at copies.
6. When you wear one your eyes water so much you get blurry vision, thus missing sales in stores, run stop lights, that sort of stuff.
7. You can't text and drive wearing one and looking down, you can't see over the puffy thing.
8, When you yell out no one hears you, they hear their own heartbeat and stuff instead.
9. On a good day they can tell their alive.
10. You ask yourself why all the time.

B, I got nothing
 
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"A Chimp and A Blonde" joke

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly, to his horror, there was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over - so now we're going to Sea World...
 
What does a house wear?

Address!
*********************************************

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush
***************************************
Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands
 

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.​

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there.

On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his ***** during the film.

Sally thought about this for a bit and decided - what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night.

Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane.

Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got".

To which Bob replied: "Parkinson's".
 
The guy goes to the Dr. due to constipations. Dr. asks. "do you follow a good vegetable diet.?"
"I eat lots of peas, don't like others." "Well that's your problem, give up them peas for the rest of your life!"
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint had a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm gonna have one." So this is my first job, bartending events after turning 21 years of age and I say, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf since H.S. & tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one." The businessman then says, "Thas nuthing, I haven't had a pee in 6 years" I immediately yells, " everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
 
Well, it's Saturday night, and I just got paid
Fool about my money, don't try to save
My heart says go, go, have a time
'Cause it's Saturday night, and I'm feelin' fine.

Got me a date, and I won't be late
Picked her up in my '88
Shagged on down by the Union Hall
When the joint starts jumpin', I'll have a ball.

Along about ten, I'll be flying high
Walk on out unto the sky
But I don't care if I spend my dough
'Cause tonight I'm gonna be one happy soul.
 
Two business Partners meet & were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window
and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a-holes."
Without any hesitation, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
,
 
A man tells a blonde that he can tell her age just by fondling her b00bs. The blonde believes none of it, and says “ok, then go ahead and we will see if you can guess my age”. So, the man fondles the blonde, and says “Hmm… you are 25 years old”. The blonde responds “uh-uh, nope. You are wrong. I’m not 25. Try again…”
 
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
asked her
"If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?”
blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”
************************************

What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count
*********************************
Two blondes are filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second,

“I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher.”

The second blonde replies, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10 worth.”
 
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