The jokes only thread....

A possible Fellon steps forward and aims his firearm!
The LEO Recruit, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin, and later he is handcuffed!
So, then his Backup partner asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the Pale trainee LEO's reply is, 'I'm nervous. I meant to shout "Donald ........ Duck!"
 
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote
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"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied,
"Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
 
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights
lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Over 15,000 men found themselves talking
to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever.
 
Guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his privates.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money,
I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only
thing my wife's down interested in!"
 
I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving. So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

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I recently joined a nudist colony.. The first few days were the hardest.

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I took a V**gra once and it got stuck in my throat. I had a stiff neck all week.
 
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There's a graveyard at the end of my street.
It's called Dead End.

The Babe has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses them.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first Babes husband phones the second woman's husband, furious:
"My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other.
"Mines here with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that says,
'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
 
The driver of a bus was travelling down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next, he turned left where there was a “no-left turn” sign. Eventually, he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn’t break any traffic laws. How?


He was walking.
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Is the bus going to stop by the river?
If it doesn’t there’ll be a very big splash.
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As a result of my giving up my seat on the bus for someone else, I lost my job.


Apparently, you’re not supposed to do that when you’re the driver.
 
5 golf carts, 5 players are on the 18th green. The Blondo says show me how to hole out and I will show you a great night.
1st ons says 6" right.....2nd player says 6" left.....3rd man says straight in.....4th man says its a gimmie! ..... 🥰
 
An old man went to a jeweler's to buy a ring


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
An older man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

“I don’t think you understand,” the old man said. “I want something very special.”

Pleased with this, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought over another ring.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said: “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.

“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very annoyed jeweler phoned the old man and said: “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man. “But can you imagine the weekend I had?”
 
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?” She said,
“Your name never came up in the conversation.”
 
Stevie has a great steak at the Steak House and wants to tell his friends about it.
So, they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said.
But much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
"I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, today, my friends are here,
you serve us a tiny lil cube, such a small one." "Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday
you were sitting by the window."
 
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”

She said, “I can teach it good manners.”

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
 
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
 
Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body—what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One.' What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?
Paul Lynde: Negotiating for peace.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
Paul Lynde: Loneliness.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly.
 
Wedding pictures. "The White of the Dress contrasts,
it will take a much better picture if you put your hands
near her breasts."
 
She types in her password "required" I said, "You need to enter your password."
She looked up at me and said, "I know it said, your password is required."
 
Blonde goes to a flight school insisting she wants to
learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use,
the owner agrees to instruct her by radio on how to pilot
the solo helicopter. He takes her out, shows her how
to start it and gives her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great!
I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how
easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
and is beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the
wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I
turned off the big fan!"
 

What part of your body goes to Heaven first?​


The nun teaching in a Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands and helps you to Heaven.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Daddy hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted.
 
Bees become indecisive after April
They become MayBees.
You know why the Month of May has its name?
It May rain, it may snow, it may be 70's
it May be 20's. you May plant crops,
you May not. You May finish school.
 
He cheats on his wife mostly every day of their marriage. When he passes and gets to heaven & confess such. St. Peter gives him a bicycle and opens the gates because he really caused no harm. After some time in Heaven, he is peddling along and sees a Rolls pulled over to the side and a man sitting on the trunk balling. Guy stops and says what's with you fellow. Man says he just saw his wife on Roller Skates.
 

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