The jokes only thread....

So, the wealthy old geezer has a decision to make. Which of three babes to marry?
So he gives each $1000. The first spends it all on Beauty Shop stuff.
The Second spends it all on new Clothes. The Thirds puts it in a Savings account.
So, which does he choose? The one with great boobs.
 

The wife is incredibly angry, she has found out the hubby's been visiting prostitutes!
“Well, you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you,” he says!
Wife yells, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”
 
I went to a costume party last night, dressed as a screwdriver.
 

Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids?

Ask your mom!
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

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What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a ***** was drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.
 

A farmer was retiring and in preparation for selling of his farm, needed to get rid of his animals. So, he went to every house in his town to sell them.​

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He comes towards the end of the street, and sees a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" , he asked.

"I am", said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse", the farmer said, "Which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and then said, "I would have the black one."

"No, no, get the brown one", the man's wife interrupted.

"Here's your chicken", said the farmer.
 
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his p^N^S.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool boy and your brother."
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a farmer sitting at the bar looking depressed.

The man walks up to the farmer and asks "What's wrong with ya pal?"

The farmer replies "Oh, some things you just can't explain"

The man then says "Try me"

The farmer looks at the man and begins to tell his story

"So I was out in the barn this morning and I was milking the cows.

I started off the milking and all was going well, I filled up my first bucket and was going to grab another, when all of a sudden the cow kicks the bucket with her right leg so I tied the leg off with some rope to a post"

"Somethings you just can't explain"

"So I grabbed another bucket and started off milking again, filled the bucket.

What does the cow do? Knocks over the bucket with her left leg.

Somethings you just can't explain. I grab some more rope and tie the leg to the post."

"So i go to milk the cow a third time, I fill the bucket and the cow knocks the bucket with her tail!"

"There's no more rope left, so I take off my belt and tie the cows tail to the rafters. As I complete this I stand up, my pants fall down and my wife walks into the barn.....

Somethings you just can't explain"
 
Rabbit's hopping down the road when he spots Crow at the tip top of a very tall tree.
Rabbit shouts, "Good Morning, Crow." Crow shouts back down, "Good Morning Rabbit."

Rabbit shouts, "Whatcha doin' today?" and Crow yells, "Absolutely nothing Rabbit - Absolutely nothing and loving it."

Well, that sounds pretty good to Rabbit, so he yells back, "Do you think I could do that too?"
Crow shouts back down, "I don't see why not!" So, Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and
began Doing Absolutely Nothing. 30 minutes pass, a fox comes along and eats him.
The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.
 
During a sermon, the pastor announced:

"If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left."

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man. The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked him:

"How could you stayed seated next to your wife?"

The man quietly replied, "She told me not to move."
 
The Mechanic worked out of his home & had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn,
so the mechanic decided to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench,
losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realising what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed ......

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
 
Out of work Ventriloquist gets a job at a Corner Gas Mart. Indian pulls in, truck load of sheep in it and starts gassing up. Ventriloquist asks Indian, Can I talk with the dog. Indian says, "Dog doesn't talk, but sure." Ventriloquist asks dog if he likes living with Indian. Dog says, "Sure he treats me kind, feeds me and takes me everywhere." Indian is surprised. Ventriloquist asks Indian, "Can I talk with your sheep?" Indian says, "sheep are liars."
 
One night, a wife arrives home late and tries to sneak into her bedroom quietly. However, when she looks under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of the usual two belonging to her husband.
Filled with anger and suspicion, she grabs a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket, thinking her husband is with someone else.
After her destructive moment, she heads to the kitchen to cool off with a drink. But to her surprise, she finds her husband sitting there, calmly reading a magazine.
He casually greets her, mentioning that her parents have come to visit them, and he allowed them to stay in their bedroom.
 
Lil Johnny appears in court and stands in front of the Judge.
Judge says, "do you understand the seriousness of your crime?"
Lil Johnny says, yes, will you give me a 2nd chance to clean up my act?"
The Judge looks sternly at him and says, "30 days at the Clinic teaching young people."
"Yes!" So, Lil Johnny does his 30 days and appears back before the Judge in Court.
Judge asks, "Well lil Johnny how did it go?" Lil Johnny says he convinced over a 100 kids
to not do Whacky Tabaco." Judge smiles and says, " how?" So, Lil johnny draws two
different Sized Ovals. "The Small one is now and the large one is your A-hole after prison."
 
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"The police have just released my mother in law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for two minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide."
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"My Mother in law said to me: 'I’ll dance on your grave, when you're dead.' 'Good!' I said, 'I’m being buried at sea.'"
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"I took my mother in law out today. I love being a sniper."
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A wife calls her mother in law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”
The mother in law yells, “The mother of course!” The wife says, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”
 
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."


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A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.​




The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:
"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."
The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.
After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:
"Ok, let's play the same game, but if you miss a question, you give me $5. If I miss a question, I give you $300."
The blonde is intrigued by the money, so she agrees.
The lawyer smiles and asks her:
"What's the weight of the moon?"
The blonde says, "I don't know," and gives him the $5
Then she asks him:
"What goes up with two legs and comes down with 3?"
The lawyer doesn't know the answer to the question but does not want to admit it, so he spends the rest of the flight trying to figure it out. During this time, the blonde naps in peace. When the plane lands, the lawyer hands the blonde the $300.
As they're getting off the plane, the lawyer runs up to her and says:
"Please, what's the answer to the question?"
The blonde smiles, hands him $5, and calmly walks away.
 
What secret ingredient to a happy, long-lasting marriage? Find a woman who can take care of the household, someone who is wild in bed, and one who is financially blessed. Ensure that these three women never come face-to-face with one another.
 
Lil Billy says, Daddy you just don’t make good Jokes!”
Daddy says, “I made you!”
Mommy says, “you know why I wear my wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“I married the wrong man!”
 

Gabriel’s horn or heavens key?​

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath
and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared
the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had instructed:

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look
at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it,
do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister." Said the young nun dreamily. "I’ve been Saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" Asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub,
he asked me to wash him, and while I was
washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the
Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he?" Said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued.

"And Father John said that if
The Key to Heaven fits my lock,
the portals of Heaven would be
opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace.

And then, Father John guided his
Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" Said the old nun even
more curiously.

"At first it hurt terribly, but
Father John said the pathway
to salvation was often painful
and that the glory of God would
soon swell my Heart with ecstasy.

And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard." Said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn
and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!"
 
Did you hear about the blonde couple that was found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?

They apparently went to see Closed For The Winter.
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A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and says, "Who wants to hear some blonde jokes?"
The waitress says "I'm blonde! And my coworker is blonde, too. Also, the lady sitting next to you is blonde as well.
Are you sure you want to tell them?"

The blind guy says "No, I guess not.
I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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A blonde crashed a helicopter…
When the police officer asked why, she said,
"It got chilly in here, so I turned off the fan."
 

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