The jokes only thread....

Furryanimal said:
[h=3]Over Sixties One-liners[/h]1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21 you can't remember who sent you this list?
Click to expand...
The sad part of this list is, I can relate to most of them.
 

This isn't my MIL because she was perfect and she told me that many many times!😁😁

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back his wife rang him, very worried, to ask, “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!” :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

“Wow that’s amazing,” says the wife, “But this is very strange, dear. Yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied, “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”
 
"I took my mother-in-law out today. I love being a sniper."
***********************************
"I'm trying to get my mother-in-law to go ice fishing before the ice gets too Hard
*********************************************

"My mother-in-law told me that beauty is only skin deep. She must have been born inside out..."
 

I drank my bottle of brew, unwrapped my cotton towel from around the bottle and tossed the bottle into the waste box by my desk, wrapped another bottle of brew, put it in an insulation glass and started to sip it while i read that stupid shat! Aww it seems funnier now!
 
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realising what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed ......

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
 

"Making love in a car (adult)" joke​


A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car, he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
 
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one
Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
 
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
 

"Dating Three Girls" joke​


A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test, he gave each of them one thousand dollars.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear. ”
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, a VCR, and a month’s supply of beer saying, “I bought all these things for you. They’re my gifts to you because I love you so. ”
The third girl invested the $1, 000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, “I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That’s how much I love you, my dear. ”
The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and do you know which one he decided to marry? - The one with the biggest Boobs"
 
Two guys work for the City. One digs a hole --dig, dig, dig.
The other fills the hole -- fill, fill, fill. The two men work furiously; digging a hole, filling it up again.
I watch and can't believe how hard these men are working, but can't understand why.
Finally I have to ask them. The Digger says, "Oh yeah,"
"the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
 
No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
The First Police Officer said to his partner and said "We're out of here"!
 
Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B- shells!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don't need a Partner
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine!
 
A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing."

The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his MANHOOD" the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"

"Oh, she's just spoiled."
 
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air, and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"
His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."
He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"
 
Sassycakes said:
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air, and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"
His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."
He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"
Click to expand...
That's hilarious.
 
Why did the priest giggle during his homily?

Answer: He had Mass hysteria.


. What is a mathematician's favorite book of the Bible?

Answer: Numbers.


What time of day was Adam created?

Answer: A little before Eve.
 
Lil Johnny and his girlfrined Karen rent a row boat & go fishing.
It costs $4 an hour. For the first four hours, Lil Johnny rows
around the lake but they get nary a bite. Finally, at the last hour,
they find the perfect spot and catch a lot of fish. Lil Johnny asks
Karen to mark this spot so that next time they won't waste hours
looking for fish. Karen agrees.

On the way home, in the car, Lil Johnny says, "So, you remembered to mark that spot?"
Karen replies, "Yup, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat!"
So, Lil Johnny thinks for a bit and says, "what if we can't rent the same boat!"
 
Why did it take me a second to get hard. I just got laid by some chick!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum
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Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in another box.
 

Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....​

It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dear God. If I'm good for one week will you get me a BMX bike.' He folds the letter and then thinks 'No. One week is too long.' He writes another letter. 'Dear God. If I'm good for one day, will you get me a BMX bike.' Looking at the letter he screws it up. One day is too long. He jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home and shoves it under his bed. He then writes another letter. 'Dear God. If you want to see your mother again......'
 

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