The jokes only thread....

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?
**********************************************************


Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife.
Sadly, bigamy is against the law
**************************************************


For those of you without the internet, I’ll update you on the Bride’s Facebook account, which she’s secretly using under the table as I speak.
Her status has been changed to ‘married’, both of her parents immediately ‘disliked’ this, and 32 guys in this room have already “poked” her.
 
Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier.

Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the
end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself.
The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.

Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out
on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket
of shrimp.

Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand
white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward
that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.

Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings
fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the
hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say
with a smile, 'Thank you. Thank you.'

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave. He
stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time
and place.

When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach,
a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the
stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way
down to the end of the beach and on home.

Old folks often do strange things, at least in our eyes.

Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida
... That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.

Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged on.

....suddenly Eddie felt something land on the top of
his cap. It was a seagull!
 

papa tiger said:
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.
Click to expand...
Correction:

Windows default settings see in only 16 colors, like ALL men.

Men came first and Windows copied the idea. Microsoft pirated everything in the beginning
 
papa tiger said:
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.
Click to expand...
I agree! I break out into a cold sweat when I walk by the Sherwin Williams color chips.
 
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands.

“What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
 
LAUGHING IN COURT

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges
were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
__________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 
When he was Born his parents had decided they wanted their first son to have a special name.
So, they came up with P.Tomas Walt Kratcha. PTom grew and walked and played.


His parents also had another benefit. In their home sounds traveled quickly but (P) in Tom
was left silent & as it was the Pee silently - Tom was never heard & his parents rested well nights.
 
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There was an older lady who was late for church. She is going 65 in a 40 zone. A police officer pulls her over and this upsets her. She is already late for church plus now she is going to get a ticket. The officer says “Ma’am, can I see you license, please?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

He asks, “Well then, can I please see your registration?” She hangs her head and says, “I apologize officer. I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk. I feel really bad about it.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE.” The officer frantically calls in to his walkie-talkie. Within minutes there are sirens blaring, lights flashing, half a dozen police cars show up. The officer tells the police chief what happened and then the chief walks over to her window. “Ma’am, can I see your license and registration, please?”

“Of course, officer.” she smiles sweetly and pulls out the license and registration from her purse. He reads it carefully. “These looks good.”

“Ma’am, can you pop the trunk, please?” “Certainly officer” she says. He steps back and looks in the trunk, but, it is completely empty.

The little old lady points her finger at the officer that had stopped her and says accusingly, “And, I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
 
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"


The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
 
SURE, IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE


A young man has twenty years of a normal PLAYFUL sex life,
then add ten years of PLAYFULLY monkeying around,
add another ten years of Lying about it all and STILL PLAYING AROUND
& ten years of making a prefect ass of himself still trying to play around.
 
The Guy walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.

“No, you don’t understand,” says the Guy, “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”
 
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, arguing which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
***************************************************

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
********************************************************
One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behine day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left alone.
 
Spaghetti Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
 

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