The jokes only thread....

A guy goes to hell and he is met by the devil who shows him two doors. The devil said you need to choose one but the choice is final and it is for eternity. The guy opens the first door and everyone in the room is standing on their head.

He opens the second door and everyone is standing up to their knees in feces sipping on a cup of coffee. The guy says I don't like standing on my head and I love coffee so I want that room. So he goes in and is handed a cup of coffee which wasn't bad tasting. After a couple minutes a whistle blows and there is an announcement saying "coffee break is over, back on your heads".
 
A father is working on his car and his little daughter comes over and asks what's sex?
The father thinks, maybe this is a good time to tell her the straight facts.
So he slowly explains how a man and woman take their clothes off and hold their bodies close, and then there's a baby later. The girl listens perplexed.
Father asks, well why do you want to know.
Daughter says, Cause Mom said lunch will be ready in a few secs.
 
A doctor asked a lawyer at a big party "Damn, these people seize advantage of me being outside my office and consult me here instead of taking appointment at the hospital. It would be rude to tell them to visit my office. What should I do?".

The lawyer replied. "Ask the host for a copy of the guest list, and once you have the names, send first consultancy bills to their addresses."

The doctor said "Yeah that's a good idea. I would do that if the situation gets out of hand."

It did.

The next day, the doctor prepared bills for each of the guests who asked for his medical advice. He initially hesitated, but after a few days he decided to go through with it. He was about to leave when he received a bill from the post man. It was from the lawyer.
 
So sad :(( Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously! You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a 2x4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. We can raise awareness! 53% won't re-post this because they don't know how to copy/paste. 😀
 
A woman brings a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope on the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“
 


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