The jokes only thread....

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
Quote :He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.
Quote :Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
Quote :He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Quote :Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
Quote :I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
Quote :She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Quote :The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'........................................................
 
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity. "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. " "One Sunday morning," he continued,"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
 
A local charity asked if I could come up with an idea to help them raise money to research cures for Dermititis.

....they weren't at all happy when I suggested scratchcards....
 
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor. " He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working. " The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway. "
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and
a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"



(You'll love this)





God replied: "I didn't recognize you."​
​
 
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?A bulletproof one,” he said.
"I'm Married ."
​
 
The Divorce Judge said "Mr Jones I am going to give your wife $500 a week, what do you feel about that?"
Mr Jones replied " that is very generous of you Judge, and if I get a few bucks, I will chip in too!!"
 
Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices " attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price! " The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha! " The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too! "
 
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk,
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat.
Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . .
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home,
brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier
to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing
in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . .
The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."​
 
Four men have been going fishing for many years.
This year, Ron's girlfriend put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up. "Ron, how did you talk your girlfriend into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my girlfriend finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am!
 
As a Senior prank, the high school students released 3 pigs into the school. One their sides where painted the numbers 1,2,4..The janitors are still looking for #3...
 
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal. The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband, "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too. "He replied, "But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal! "
 
Excuse me officer, said the drunk leaning against the street light, is this my house?
The officer replied, no, this is a street lamp.
But officer, it must be my house....cause there’s a light on upstairs.:confused:
 

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