The jokes only thread....


An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”​
 

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene " that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop " on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible! " I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
 
The Pastor started of his Children Sermon with a question...."Who knows what a Resurrection is"?

A young boy stood up and said...."If you have one lasting more than 4 hours, call your doctor immediately".

The Pastor is still laughing.
 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
FT5s-car-phone-directions-jokes.jpg
11

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Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
 
A Girls first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience,
but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause
you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but
you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you,
with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
 
Sassycakes said:
A Girls first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience,
but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause
you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but
you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you,
with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Click to expand...

Whew.....I had to take a cold shower after I read this. :eek:k:
 
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."


About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


He said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote:


Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Love,
your son.


Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:


Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.


Love,
Mom.
 
When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary,
they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet. Caught up in the romance of the story, one by one the men related how we had met our wives. Eventually everyone had told his story except for my youngest brother.
All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college.
We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."
"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."
 
A guy gets a ticket to the Super Bowl but it is in the nosebleed section. He spots a seat down near the 50 yard line and rushes down to get it. "Wow what a seat" he says to the elderly man next to him. "It is my wife's seat but she died" the old man replied. "Why would you not ask a friend to come with you today?" asked the man. "They are all at the funeral" said the old man.
 
A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks,
'What are your requirements, please?'
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty,
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.
Willing accompany me the whole day at home
during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories
when I need
companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'
The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds,
'I understand. You need a television.'
 
My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day,
at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical.
This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'
 

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