The jokes only thread....

I was busily sorting goods for delivery in the warehouse,whizzing to-and-fro on the forktruck,wrapping the more fragile stuff,ensuring the boxes were securely taped,etc.
Once all the loads were ready for delivery,I asked the boss where he wanted the roll of bubble-wrap and he said to pop it in his office.
Took just over three hours-but I managed to burst every single bubble!
 

A man went to the police station to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday & hasn't come home."

Officer: "What is her height?"

Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. Maybe a little over 5 feet tall."

Officer: "Weight?"

Husband: "Don't know. Not slim; not really fat."

Officer: "Color of eyes?"

Husband: "Never really noticed."

Officer: "Color of hair?"

Husband: "Changes a couple of times a year. Maybe Brown."

Officer: "What was she wearing?"

Husband: "Could have been shorts. Maybe a skirt. I don't remember exactly."

Officer: "What kind of car did she leave in?"

Husband: "She left in my truck."

Officer: "What kind of truck was it?"

Husband: "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with Ecoboost 5.0 Liter V8 with special-order manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats & floor mats. Trailer Package with Gold Hitch. DVD with Navigation. 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders & 4 power outlets. Custom wheels with Off-Road Michelin Tires. Wife put a small scratch on the door." At this point, the husband started choking up.

Officer: "Don't worry, buddy. We'll find your truck."
 
A drunk walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, walks over to her & kisses her.

She jumps up & slaps him across the face.

"I'm sorry," he says. I thought you were my wife. You look just like her."

"Get away from me, you drunken slob," she yells.

"Wow!" he says. "You even sound like her."
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping....

A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
A group of tourists were about to go on a hike. The Park Ranger was warning them about the dangers posed by Grizzly Bears.

He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. We advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence. And always be alert when
you know bears are in the area, especially if you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Easy," replied the ranger. "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."
 
Grandpa & Grandma were visiting their kids overnight. Grandpa found a bottle of ****** in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked his son about trying one pill.

The son said, "I don't think that's a good idea, Grandpa...they're very strong & very expensive....they cost $10.00 per pill."

"I don't care," says Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one. Before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa & said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The other $100.00 is from Grandma."
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't
have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 
A guy is watching a football game on TV & he doesn’t like to be bothered. His wife tries to do the laundry but the washer isn’t working. She tells her husband “Honey, the washer is not working.”
He says, “Do I look like the Maytag Man?”

She calls a repairman. After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go shopping but the car won’t start.

She says to her husband, “Honey, the car won’t start.”

He says, “Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?”

She tries to call a mechanic, but there is no dial tone on the phone.

She says, “Honey, the phone is dead.”

He says: “Do I look like AT&T?”

She calls a tow truck from the neighbor’s phone. The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she returns home with the car, the football game is over. Her husband says “Did you get the car fixed?”
The wife says, “Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I realized I forgot my purse so I couldn’t pay him. Instead of money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”

The husband says, “Did he like the cake?”

The wife says, “Do I look like Betty Crocker?”
 
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat & the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up & get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe & spat in it several times. When the American returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd like a
coke too."

Again, the American obligingly went to get it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up his other shoe & spat in it several times.

When the American returned, they all sat back & enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on - this fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 
The Best Divorce Letter ever!

My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
P.S. - Don't try to find me. Your brother & I are moving to
New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV so much because it drowns out your constant whining & bitching. I DID notice when you got your hair done last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy. Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.....and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have confused me with my brother because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years. About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $300.00 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300.00 from me that morning. After all this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.

She moved to another seat.

The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.

Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.

After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.

When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.

Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.

Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident," I just lost it."
 
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 12 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
 
Dirty Birds

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
 
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she asks.

The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do youremember?"

The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.

The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."
 
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
 
Pappy said:
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
Click to expand...

:lol1::lol1::lol1:
 
An accused murderer’s defense attorney was questioning a pathologist who performed the autopsy on his client’s victim.
Lawyer: “Doctor, Before performing the autopsy, did you check the victim for a pulse?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s respiration?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check the victim’s blood pressure?”
Pathologist: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, doctor, you never really established that the victim was dead, did you?”
Pathologist: “Well, his brain was in a jar next to the table, but I suppose he could still be out there practicing law.”
 
A woman rubbed a lamp & a genie came out. "Do I get three wishes?" she asked.

"No," says the genie. "I'm a one-wish genie. What'll it be?"

The woman says: "See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."

The genie says: "They've been at war for years. I'm not that good. Pick something else."

The woman says: "Well, I'd like to find a good man. One who's considerate, loves kids, helps with the housework & doesn't watch sports all day."

"Okay," the genie says with a sigh. "Let me see that map again."
 

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