The Mindless Thread

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping &
they pitch their tent under the stars and turn in.

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up
and says, "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replies, "Well, if there are millions of stars,
and if even a few of those have planets,
it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there.

If there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes says, "Watson, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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Preacher, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."

Leroy gets in the line, and when it's his turn, Preacher asks,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
Preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand
on top of Leroy's head, and then prays and prays and prays.
The congregation joins in with great enthusiasm.

Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
"I don't know. It's not till next week."

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I was still lost...

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A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company.
He turns to his optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"
Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"
"Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the consultant sitting next to him. "Well, can see my dilemma. What do you think?"
The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.
"Well, it looks to me that you've got more glass there than you need."
 
Having a front running light out on a Silverado Pickup is a common thing.
Having a rear one out on an 18-wheeler trailer is a common thing.
 
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about me - us,
I will stop spreading the truth about them.

Instead of handing them the keys to the city,
Let's change the locks.

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A Pastor and a member of the Church have just placed a Sign post
out by the Highway in front of their church.

"The End is Near!
TURN AROUND NOW
BEFORE IT's TOO LATE!
A car speeds past them, the driver yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
Shakin' his head, Pastor Cunningham says,
"That's the 3rd one this morning."
"Do you think the sign should say, Bridge out?"
 
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a
high school teacher. Just before the school year started,
he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit
under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, Mr. Harvey found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck kids,
having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his
discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, Mr. Harvey
opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over ....women like that are hard to find."

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The LEO calls the station on his radio asking for Backup and Swat.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for
stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?" LEO, "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
 
I stopped by the Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2024 Pickups.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a “RESIST” lapel pin)
sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its
"wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and
directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a
CONSERVATIVE truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "
"I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke
up your ass year-round!"



I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.

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Next test is a Hybrid Jeep, will fill in the bunch with my findings later.
I figure a tall boulder to park atop can work its best stuff! I have
pre-positioned drilled and plant hooks to fasten the winched 4X4 to
and will see if the Salesperson craps before or during. Lastly Why?
Haha ..... :ROFLMAO:
 
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