True Bar Stories ..

BlunderWoman

BlunderWoman

Senior Member
Ok here's the bubble gum one...I'll try and tame it down..

One of the regular married barfly's came in with a big old purple eye. So I said OMG what the heck happened to you? She says "My husband caught me cheating last night." So I say " Dang woman you took him to your house?" She says " No it was in the car in the parking lot." So I say " Did your husband drive up on you?" She says " No it was the bubble gum." I say " The bubble gum? What the hell? What does that mean?" She says " You know there was bubble gum down there." The guy at the end of the bar heard it all and sat silent. When this other guy came out of the bathroom he said " Hey Doug, did you lose your bubblegum last night?" So Doug was known as 'Bubbles' forevermore. :D
 

The Pity Sex Guy..

I really hated this guy most of all I think. He would walk past a woman and actually tear up and say " I'm sorry for staring. It's just that you look so much like my wife that passed away 6 months ago. Can I buy you a drink?" Then the women will say something like " Oh..you poor thing...yes sit down..it's okay." Then he would begin his slimey reel and it worked quite often. Occasionally he would go to the john & if I thought the woman was sober enough I would tell her " Look if I get caught doing this I will lose my job I'm trying to help you..his wife is ALIVE. He's a LIAR. He's married..RUN..."

OK Phil your turn..
 
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Guitarist said:
And there I was, peacefully looking at Quarter Horses for sale, and saw this thread title, and thought, "True Bar" -- great Quarter Horse name!

OK, maybe you have to be a QH person to get it ...

OK, back to the Quarter Horses ...
Click to expand...

And how about Lost My Bubblegum?
 
The 'You're Beautiful' Guy

This was a very sweet guy who was not the sharpest crayon in the box. He was sweet though, so you kinda felt bad for not liking him. Why did I not like him?...
He came in sharp every day after work about 5:30 pm. He would pull up a stool and say " Hello beautiful." I would give him his drink. When other people would pull up a stool he would turn to them and say " Isn't she beautiful?" After two drinks.. " God you're pretty. Did I tell you that you're beautiful?" And this would go on until closing time every single night. It was like water torture. I lost my mind and snapped one night " Bill! You said I'm beautiful you said it you said it if I hear it again I will go insane! Completely insane! Please stop!" Then I felt bad because I hurt his feelings. It was awful.
 
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Men who keep repeating that you're beautiful don't know what else to say. I don't go to bars much but I've sat next to *that guy* a few times. They are inept, unimaginative doofusses who annoy everyone.
 
Wrigley's said:
Men who keep repeating that you're beautiful don't know what else to say. I don't go to bars much but I've sat next to *that guy* a few times. They are inept, unimaginative doofusses who annoy everyone.
Click to expand...
Yes. You will see the other regulars scoot 2 stools away & do not want to sit next to the You're So Beautiful guy.
 
The Tip Thief

These women will make an excuse to go back to the table or the bar pretending like they forgot something and steal the tip their boyfriend/husband just left you. They will smile and look you straight in the eye when they do it. They have no shame.
 
The Mean Drunk
I had some situations arise from mean drunks. Amazingly I never had a problem with a female. I was just lucky because you have your female mean drunks as well.
I'll share 2 of those stories..
Ist guy- I'm the only bartender because it's a slow night . It's a slow night and close to closing time. The regulars have left. There is one very big blond man who has not been in before up at the bar. I'm not talking to him because he's an ass & I'm cleaning and getting ready to close up. I tell him " Okay drink it up I have to have that glass off the bar." He already had last call earlier. He sneers at me. I tell him " You have 2 minutes left. Drink up". He sneers. I go to take the glass off the bar and he grabs my arm and says " You touch my glass and I'll break your arm!" He has a hold of my wrist with a death grip. Now I'm not playing. I grab a hammer out from under the bar and tell him " Party's on & one of us is about to bleed! You can get your butt out of that door on your own or you can go out in a cop car!" He let go and left, but he waited for me in the parking lot. I saw him. I called the cops and they were happy to give him bracelets.
 
The Mean Drunk
2nd guy- I'm working in a large disco club by the airport. I walk past a table and this man grabs my arm and says " Gimme back my money b.. or I'll break your arm right now!" I tell him " I'm not your waitress. Let me get your waitress." He won't let go he's twisting my arm. He says " Don't lie to me wh.. you're my waitress give me my money now or I'm breaking this arm!" I look at the 3 people at his table .. a couple ..and a woman that's with him. I recognize fear on their faces. No one is going to help me the music is loud loud..the manager is all the way across the dance floor and this guy is about to break my arm. I feel a pain shoot in my arm . I look for an equalizer. He's a big big man. My eyes land on a big heavy glass ashtray on the table. So I spider it and grab that ashtray & pop him hard right upside the head. Snap, crackle, pop, Rice Krispies he's down , he's out, he ain't getting up. I'm ready now to fight the wife if I have to. She looks at me and says " Thank you so much" . Poor woman. They haul him out in an ambulance & I'm fired. My manager said I should have 'come and found him' . That's right he was covering his own butt. That happens a lot. Lousy managers. The good news was I broke his jaw good. They had to wire it shut hahahaha.
 
I was working club security one night when in walked 2 guys that I immediately named Flavor Flav and Pants Boy.

Flavor Flav was your typical gangsta wanna-be - little guy with rapper clothing from head to tail, topped by a huge puffy rapper hat. Tons of gold jewelry, including a neck chain big enough to anchor the Queen Mary.

His buddy Pants Boy was wearing his jeans so far down that you could see the globes of Uranus. Seriously - his Calvin Kleins were getting plenty of air.

As the night wore on Pants Boy behaved himself, but Flavor Flav started touching the dancers inappropriately. I warned him twice, and each time he puffed up and said I wouldn't dare touch him. Each time I smiled and said "Don't. Dare. Me."

Third time he bothered a dancer. I came from the bar end of the club down to the dance area. He's sitting on a stool with his arms crossed, giving me the Gangsta Glare. I asked him to accompany me to the front door, He just stared at me and said I wouldn't dare touch him. Pants Boy came up behind me to get me in a bear hug. One elbow to his mid-section ended that sillyness. Then I grabbed Flavor Flav by his big ol' gold chain, dragged him out of the club and told him one last time "Don't. Dare. Me."
 
Mr. Potty Pants

This very wealthy well known man came in got very drunk, got on the phone to call someone. He yelled " Bartender..miss bartender.. my feet are wet." He was still on the phone. He had wet himself and was standing in a puddle. Good grief.
 
LOL!

Had a customer get very aggressive one time at closing. He refused to leave and tried going behind the bar to attack the (female) bartender.

I caught him in a wrist lock and put him down on the floor. This meant both of my hands were occupied.

Suddenly, someone is pulling my ponytail, HARD. Looking in one of bar mirrors I see it's a female. I release one of my hands from the guy, reach back and put HER in a wrist lock. She's wailing and moaning all the way down to the floor, but still holding my ponytail with a death grip.

I look up through the tops of my eyes and notice my "friends" - the owner, the bartender, the bouncer - all standing there on their thumbs with their mouths open, staring at the tableau in front of them. Finally gal lets go of ponytail, cops show up ... turns out she's the bad guy's sister.

Nothing like keeping it in the family.
 
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