Visiting Mother Conflict

P

Patnono

Member
Location
Whittier,Ca
I hope All mother's had a Wonderful mother's day!!! Mostly my niece cares for my mom whom lives with my sister, I have several siblings. They have put a Very restrictive visitation limit on us, 1-3 on Sunday only. I believe it's because my niece is lazy and doesn't want to be bothered, I know her very well. The thing is they are complaining that we don't help or visit??? They are Not being flexible, we have offered help, they never say anything, so how are we to know? We always pitch in financially for anything my mom needs. My niece does get paid for this. We do so appreciate what she does. What really has me Pissed is that my niece had put this on Facebook, that we didn't care about our mom??? I confronted her about this, she had nothing to say, but thought it was Funny. My sister isn't speaking to me cause I asked if me and a sister could visit this past Saturday? She didn't reply, I wrote again, she said she was busy, still never got back to me. I gave her a week's notice. We cannot always accommodate their time frame.
 

Both, I guess? My mother has dementia and is deaf. Mostly I'm angry that my niece is putting mistruths about our family on the internet for everyone to see. We're good people who've gone out of our way to do what she needs. I think my niece doesn't want to care for my Mom anymore? She likes to run the streets. I know being a caregiver is difficult, I've helped care for her myself.
 

I have similarities with my brother and mother. Mom lives alone, recently moved, and managed to break her ankle. I sent an email to my brother asking for her new address. Two weeks later I get an email telling me she broke her ankle, was in the hospital, and now in rehab. This must have happened three weeks ago. Brother and wife are both retired.

But too busy to let me know what’s going on.

Also he was telling me what I could have and not have, in his opinion, when she died. I said I’ll make it simply for you. Take it all! I have no interest in fighting for my 50% of her bits and pieces. Just take it all. My mother is not a nice person. She’s 94 years old
with no memory issues. Just a nasty person. I’m tired of all of them. Lol.
 
I too had a bad relationship with my mom for most of my life, it got better as time passed. Now with dementia she's not recognizing family members. My niece is a Spoiled Brat, very self centered, does not like to be inconvenienced I believe that's Why she doesn't want to be flexible in letting us see our mom, but still wants to complain. She doesn't even spend time with her kids.
 
Patnono...I hope you don't mind me asking, but if your niece doesn't even want to spend time with her own kids, why is her grandmother , your mum, living with her? ..is there no-one else able to look after your mum?
 
She's getting paid to care for her, she is movtivated by money. No one else can, the alternative is a convalescent home, my sister volunteered, I think now she might not want to do it? She doesn't get out much,. Being a caregiver is a very difficult job, but treating us this way she is burning her bridges.
 
You seem bothered that your niece is getting paid, but then you say "being a caregiver is a very difficult job." Sorry, but why should your niece be inconvenienced by others? Either step up and help with your mother's care, or follow the rules set down by those who do. You seem to find a lot to complain about.
 
I cared for two elderly relatives in my home for several years, my husband and I did it voluntarily because of a serious stroke which caused one to be bedridden. Bless your sister and her daughter for taking care of your mother, it is a full time obligation which demands time, patience and love, and yes, sometimes related expenses.

If someone wanted to come over for a visit in my home, it would be welcome only during a specific time, that to me is not unreasonable whatsoever. If Sunday is the day to visit, then you should cooperate, in my opinion if you want to see your mother.

The comments on facebook shouldn't have been made, but then, I don't belong to facebook and feel that negative family matters should not be made public like that.
 
You totally did NOT understand what I wrote??? I don't care that she gets paid, I have my own money. We do not inconvenience her, she wants to complain that we don't visit our mom, but when we do try she doesn't like it??? Giving someone a 2 hour window only One day a week is not being realistic??? We can't always make it within those restrictions??? I know for a FACT that she has nothing going on. Her own mom complains about her. I Really think she doesn't want to Care for her anymore. We've offered help, she won't ask for it, but wants to complain that we don't.
 
You are defining the very kind of thing I would never want to be the cause of should I be incapacitated. If anything comes my way now, I want to just go...
 
We are totally appreciative that my niece n sister care for our mom, 2 hours a week is not realistic, I know there is NO reason why she can't be more flexible. Iam fully aware of what her days are like, her mom has told me. One of my brothers has a sick wife n 2 autistic kids and myself suffers from chronic illness. We have always paid for anything my mom needs and then some. So we can always fit in the schedule. I've given them a week's notice, so most of us did not get to see her mother's day.
 
My Dad died early during a fire and my Mom tried living alone, but was lonely all the time. I offered her to come live with my wife and me, but she thought that with us working that she would still be lonely. She went to live with my sister her last 25+ years and that worked out really well. She couldn't have gotten better care than what my sister gave her.
 
Sorry for your lost, that's Great that your sister took your mom in and is comfortable. I just wish my niece n sister could be more flexible. And if they Can't, then don't complain.
 
Patnono said:
You totally did NOT understand what I wrote??? I don't care that she gets paid, I have my own money. We do not inconvenience her, she wants to complain that we don't visit our mom, but when we do try she doesn't like it??? Giving someone a 2 hour window only One day a week is not being realistic??? We can't always make it within those restrictions??? I know for a FACT that she has nothing going on. Her own mom complains about her. I Really think she doesn't want to Care for her anymore. We've offered help, she won't ask for it, but wants to complain that we don't.
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Interesting???

Seems hereditary????
 
Patnono said:
She's getting paid to care for her, she is movtivated by money. No one else can, the alternative is a convalescent home, my sister volunteered, I think now she might not want to do it? She doesn't get out much,. Being a caregiver is a very difficult job, but treating us this way she is burning her bridges.
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My wife & I having cared for my mother in law with no pay I can attest to the fact that caring for an aged mentally incompetent person is really difficult. Several times you have posted that you needed money and finally found a job in retail. Have you considered the cost to go to work, the pay vs. what you would get if you stayed at home caring for your mother. If you provided the care you wouldn't have to vent about anyone.
 
When my Dad passed away my Mom came to live with me. She was almost 80yrs old. I was not her favorite child and she picked on me a lot and always thought she would be better off living with my older sister who was her favorite.I never told my sister because my Mother hated my sisters husband and would have made my sisters life hell if she lived with her. It was hard because my Mom was difficult with me,but I don't regret a minute of caring for her. I did tell my 2 children that if the time came that I would need to be taken care of for them to please put me in a nursing home.I would never want to put that kind of burden on them.
 
Patnono said:
Sorry for your lost, that's Great that your sister took your mom in and is comfortable. I just wish my niece n sister could be more flexible. And if they Can't, then don't complain.
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Looks like you've peeved off the clique here so if that is the case no explaination will satisfy them. Most of them are ok really they just have issues like the rest of us.
My advice is just stop sending the checks and let them figure it our.
 
What conflict?

Your niece is being paid to care for your mother. Lucky you that is not an easy job. Even luckier, you have set hours to visit a mother that is deaf & probably doesn't recognize you. If you can't visit she probably wouldn't know. If it makes you feel better that you visit that is a whole other situation.Your concern that something negative is being put on the internet is almost funny. Only because who really cares what is written? I'm willing to bet no one on this forumn knows or cares what your neice writes.

To end the conflict when you do visit check your mothers condition take over the responsibility if while running the streets your niece neglects to properly care for your mother.

Quote
"I think my niece doesn't want to care for my Mom anymore? She likes to run the streets. I know being a caregiver is difficult, I've helped care for her myself."
 
Knight said:
What conflict?

Your niece is being paid to care for your mother. Lucky you that is not an easy job. Even luckier, you have set hours to visit a mother that is deaf & probably doesn't recognize you. If you can't visit she probably wouldn't know. If it makes you feel better that you visit that is a whole other situation.Your concern that something negative is being put on the internet is almost funny. Only because who really cares what is written? I'm willing to bet no one on this forumn knows or cares what your neice writes.

To end the conflict when you do visit check your mothers condition take over the responsibility if while running the streets your niece neglects to properly care for your mother.

Quote
"I think my niece doesn't want to care for my Mom anymore? She likes to run the streets. I know being a caregiver is difficult, I've helped care for her myself."
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I think you don't get it? My sister n Niece have been complaining that we don't visitor offer assistance. Which is Not True. She needs to speak to us and let us know what's going on? We don't Read mind's. I gurantee you, if someone in your family is putting mistrue information for the world to see, you would have a different opinion. Remember prospective employers see these kinds of things?
 
Aneeda72 said:
I have similarities with my brother and mother. Mom lives alone, recently moved, and managed to break her ankle. I sent an email to my brother asking for her new address. Two weeks later I get an email telling me she broke her ankle, was in the hospital, and now in rehab. This must have happened three weeks ago. Brother and wife are both retired.

But too busy to let me know what’s going on.

Also he was telling me what I could have and not have, in his opinion, when she died. I said I’ll make it simply for you. Take it all! I have no interest in fighting for my 50% of her bits and pieces. Just take it all. My mother is not a nice person. She’s 94 years old
with no memory issues. Just a nasty person. I’m tired of all of them. Lol.
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You are wise to uninvolved yourself. Similar situation in my "family." After our mom passed, my brother decided he wanted everything, so he started a court fight to try to change the will & trust. He had no problem finding an attorney who knew he could make $400.00/hr. off his stupidity & he ran up a $55,000.00 bill. He was unsuccessful, but since there were 3 properties involved, my sister & I had to fight it. It took 7 years & he ended up having to sell his house to buy everyone out when he lost. Hatred & greed can really cost. My sister & I weren't surprised; our brother was our parents' biggest mistake - a convicted felon (fraud), deadbeat dad & all-around dirtbag. I used to crack our dad up by asking him for DNA proof that I was biologically related to my brother.
 
No one ties your psyche in a knot like family. I'm sorry you are being bad-mouthed by your niece. It's painful being accused of things when you are allowed zero input. Some people, like your niece, and my own brother and his wife, like to create a lot of drama over their good deeds. This is not uncommon. I gave up a long time ago.
 
Patnono said:
I think you don't get it? My sister n Niece have been complaining that we don't visitor offer assistance. Which is Not True. She needs to speak to us and let us know what's going on? We don't Read mind's. I gurantee you, if someone in your family is putting mistrue information for the world to see, you would have a different opinion. Remember prospective employers see these kinds of things?
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I, myself, couldn't care less what a family ember might put on the internet about me about a family disagreement. An employer isn't going to be concerned about a squabble among family members. That's not the kind of stuff they are looking for.

Lighten up and let go of it. Life's too short.
 
Judycat said:
No one ties your psyche in a knot like family. I'm sorry you are being bad-mouthed by your niece. It's painful being accused of things when you are allowed zero input. Some people, like your niece, and my own brother and his wife, like to create a lot of drama over their good deeds. This is not uncommon. I gave up a long time ago.
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Yes, I'm dissapointed in her. They haven't given any reason for this? My siblings and I are good and caring people, she would know that if she'd bothered to spend time with them? She NEVER cones to family gatherings. She knows Me, but didn't have the guts to tell us to our Faces? When they've needed things for our mom, we took care of it, whatever I t was.
 

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