What Is Your Suggestion?

oldman

oldman

Well-known Member
Location
PA
I never heard of this before, have you? My step Grandson has, I don’t know if it is a dependence, addiction or habit to junk food. For that reason, my daughter keeps very little junk food or treats in the house.

We were at their home on Christmas morning for breakfast and to share gifts before going to my son’s home for dinner and the sharing of gifts. My son-in-law gave his step Grandson a fifty dollar bill for Christmas.

As we were sitting around chatting and drinking coffee, I had to excuse myself and use the bathroom. I peeked into my Grandson’s bedroom, which I do occasionally just to make sure that he is keeping up with the cleaning and neatness of his room. It’s just something I do and if he is doing a good job, I will generally reward him as an incentive to continue doing a good job.

When I looked in the room, (quietly), I saw my step Grandson going through my son-in-law’s step Grandson’s backpack. I stood there for just a few moments and saw him (my step Grandson) remove the $50.00 bill that my son-in-law’s step Grandson had put there. I then quickly walked away.

At first, I was thinking to myself, “I wished that I didn’t see that, but now that I did, how should I handle this?” I decided to approach the young boy (15) that took the money and speak with him. Of course, he denied it, so I asked what he removed. He again said, “Nothing.”

So, now what do I do? This morning, our daughter called and said that the step Grandson that had his money taken had called them and told them that his money is missing.

At this point, I have no idea how to handle it. Looking back, I guess that I should have made an issue out of it at the time it happened, but with it being Christmas Day and everyone in a cheerful and happy mood, I didn’t want to destroy the joy for anyone.

I think I am going to give my daughter the money to give to the young man and maybe in a few weeks have a talk with both my daughter and son-in-law. The kid that took the money spends every dime that he gets on junk food. There is a convenience store just down over the hill from where they live and he spends a lot of time there buying candy, pizza and hot dogs. His teeth are a mess, he has few manners and his schoolwork is suffering.

Before my daughter met this man, his Dad, the family was dysfunctional with a Mom that had a terrible drug problem. I said ‘had’ because she died about two months ago due to an overdose of Heroin. My daughter has worked miracles with the man she married, which I was against, but accepted it and am now OK with it, but the boy just hasn’t come around, even with counseling.

Sorry for the long post, but this is a complicated problem.
 

My goodness, it is a complicated situation and drugs are not out of the question. I've heard heroin addicts crave sugar, but then lots of us have some degree of addiction to sugar. Heroin also affects the teeth I have heard but I think that happens only after long term use.

I sympathize with you in wishing you hadn't looked into the room at all, but your intentions were good.

Having a talk with your daughter and son-in-law might be the best thing.
 
Old man, I think your step grandson is probably swallowing his feelings. This thieving, poor manners, difficulties in school, and his addiction to junk food, seem like a kid who really needs some more help. Talking to your daughter and her husband is a good step, but I hope that they will see his actions as the cry for help I believe them to be, and continue with his counseling. Perhaps they could join him in therapy. He must be half out of his mind over the recent loss of his mother. Two months is a blink of an eye in the grieving processs. I imagine he is full of rage as well.
 

I'm so sorry this happened. I can understand you not wanting to put a damper on the holiday but now, if it were me ,I'd have to have that conversation with my daughter. He needs help quickly for his sake and because the whole family will also suffer if he doesn't receive it.
 
oldman said:
When I looked in the room, (quietly), I saw my step Grandson going through my son-in-law’s step Grandson’s backpack. I stood there for just a few moments and saw him (my step Grandson) remove the $50.00 bill that my son-in-law’s step Grandson had put there. I then quickly walked away.

At first, I was thinking to myself, “I wished that I didn’t see that, but now that I did, how should I handle this?” I decided to approach the young boy (15) that took the money and speak with him. Of course, he denied it, so I asked what he removed. He again said, “Nothing.”

So, now what do I do? This morning, our daughter called and said that the step Grandson that had his money taken had called them and told them that his money is missing.

At this point, I have no idea how to handle it. Looking back, I guess that I should have made an issue out of it at the time it happened, but with it being Christmas Day and everyone in a cheerful and happy mood, I didn’t want to destroy the joy for anyone.

I think I am going to give my daughter the money to give to the young man and maybe in a few weeks have a talk with both my daughter and son-in-law.
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Oldman, I think you handled it as best you could at the time without ruining the holiday and causing a scene. You did the right thing in approaching the boy and asking him about it, unfortunately he denied it....but probably an expected response because he wasn't going to readily admit guilt if he could get away with it.

It's nice of you to give your daughter the money to be replaced, but I think you should have a serious talk with your daughter and son in law as soon as possible, waiting a few weeks is not a good idea, in my opinion.

Ruth n Jersey said:
I'm so sorry this happened. I can understand you not wanting to put a damper on the holiday but now, if it were me ,I'd have to have that conversation with my daughter. He needs help quickly for his sake and because the whole family will also suffer if he doesn't receive it.
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I agree, the conversations need to happen and better sooner than later.
 
I had a similar situation that turned very unpleasant. My husband's adult daughter from another marriage was visiting us with her husband and children. I found Husband's daughter's daughter, about 11 as I recall, taking money from the dresser in our bedroom. When we told husband's daughter about it, she and her husband got very angry at US, and denied that the child would do such a thing -- in spite of the fact that she had the money in her pocket, and of course the child denied it (in spite of the money in her pocket) and said she had no idea how it had gotten there and burst into loud crying. Bottom line is that they left in a huff and as far as I know, never spoke to either one of us again.

In spite of the fact that this turned out so badly, I think it's important that parents know if children are doing these things, so they can attempt to do something about it before the child gets into real trouble. I would certainly have wanted to know if my children were stealing.
 
There's more to the story:

First, I am fairly certain that his bad teeth are due to poor hygiene and not drug use.

My son-in-law takes exception to anything that is said negatively or accusatory against his son. He tends to turn a blind eye to anything that he does that he shouldn't be doing. My daughter, in the meantime, has tried to point out the issues that her now step son has, especially his schoolwork. The husband refused to believe that his son was failing and just going through a bad time with his Mom just dying, even though his schoolwork began suffering long before she passed away. I have urged my daughter to back away on several occasions because I saw her complaining about her step son to his dad begin to affect their life together. Finally, after several attempts to get her to stop going to the dad with all of the kid's issues, she has realized that it's a futile effort.

Two weeks ago, some of this came to a head. My son-in-law was contacted by the school and the guidance department contacted him to set up a meeting to discuss his grades. Then, just a few days later, the young man had a dental appointment and the son-in-law received the bad news that his son needs a lot of dental work. He was told this a year ago, but has been delaying having it done. Why? I have no idea, but the step Grandson's teeth have been steadily getting worse from eating junk food. This, I am sure. We keep candies out at our home for when visitor's come around, but when he comes to visit, it is my job to put them away.

Also, like I said, he did attend counseling for awhile, but told his dad that he is never going back to see the Therapist again. Instead of finding another Therapist, my son-in-law just let it drop. BTW, my Grandson, who also lives with his mom and step dad has also had video games stolen from his bedroom. It has come to the point to where my daughter has put a lock on his bedroom door, but the son-in-law refuses to believe that his son is taking the games. I told my daughter that if he is taking the games, they should be in his backpack. She thinks he is selling them to get money to buy junk food.

You may think that I am making a bid deal out of his junk food habit, but just to give you an example, he received all but $200.00 last April for his birthday. Within 10 days the money was gone. When asked what he spent the money on, he said that he bought one video game and then some "food" because he doesn't like the food that my daughter makes everyone for dinner, so he goes down to the convenience store and buys what he likes, which is usually pizza, hot dogs, some kind of Mexican food (Burritos or something like that) and lots of candy and sodas.

I have already spoken to my son-in-law about getting him back into counseling and he said he will think about it after the holidays. Money is not the problem. Both my son-in-law and daughter have excellent insurance and here in PA, we have special insurance for kids with special needs that the boy would be eligible get free counseling and his prescriptions paid for.

This issue has become very upsetting to my wife as well as myself. We know that this young man is not stupid and can do better, much better. Preaching to him gets us nowhere. I even told him that if he gets at least "C's" on his report card, which is a very significant improvement over what he is getting now, that I would help him buy a car in a few years, which is something that is all he talks about, but even that has not motivated him.

So, I would like to know the answer to this one question. Can someone that eats so much junk food be addicted to it? Is there such a thing as being a junk food addict? I should also mention that he does not have an ounce of fat on him. He rides his bike all over the place and sometimes no one even knows where he is or where he goes. I think he has a father that just does not care. I think, like Shalimar wrote, Daddy needs some counseling himself because he has zero parenting skills. My daughter, wife and I care more about this boy's future than daddy does, or at least that's the impression that I get.
 
oldman, do what you feel you need to do knowing there is a limit. You can't force his father to do his job with the boy, no matter how much you might want to.

Yes, it's frustrating and maybe somewhat painful, but there's not much you can do beyond what you probably have done already. Your grandson might need your help in learning to live around this boy, like how to keep his money and possessions safer than they have been.
 
I don't know what you should do for the best, and agree with most of what has been said before, though I'd guess whatever way you jump you'll perhaps catch some flack yourself (why was "he spying on me" etc.).

One thought might be helpful, (and its only a maybe), but taking advice from someone you know "in real life", who has perhaps the diplomatic skills to keep you out of any direct hostility this boy might wish to give you, and ideally someone who knows all those concerned. Sometimes matters can be defused to everyone's atatisfaction, and this boys troubles aren't going to disappear over night whatever you or anyone else does.
 
My son-in-law takes exception to anything that is said negatively or accusatory against his son. He tends to turn a blind eye to anything that he does that he shouldn't be doing.​
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hmm. This is a problem, and is NOT helping his son.
 
I'm sure all this does not make your daughter's life easy, Oldman. It ain't easy being a stepmother in the best of times (I know this from personal experience), but with this kind of dysfunction going on it would make it a lot worse, and of course I'm sure she is concerned about negative effects on her own son. She has my heartfelt sympathy.
 
I have a similar situation with a grand daughter who has a mild intellectual impairment. From a little child she could not delay gratification regarding food and would steal it from the table when we had a family gathering while I was still organising the meal. She would spend all of her pocket money on lollies and began to put on weight. I think she struggles with low self esteem as she is the eldest of 4 siblings and the others all outshine her.

Long story short, she began to steal money from family and locks had to be installed on all of the interior rooms in the home. Then she expanded to stealing from wider family and last year she lost a fiancé for stealing from his family. It turns out that she had a gambling problem and I organised for her to join Gamblers Anonymous. She says that she has not gambled for a year now but I no longer trust her to tell the truth. She has recently started seeing a psychologist for counselling and has confided honestly about her gambling and stealing. I know this because I was with her until then, then I left and allowed the counsellor to talk to her in private.

IMO, if he is repeatedly stealing at 15 there has to be some underlying reason. Amateur psychology will not help but he will need someone in the family to keep encouraging him no matter what. Professional help is essential. If you can impress anything on his father, this would be your best move. Also getting his teeth fixed would boost his self esteem and that can only be a plus.
 
I wonder if he might even have a physical reason as well as emotional issues. Maybe diabetes is causing the cravings and with uncontrolled blood sugar his emotions are also affected. Just a thought.
 
I guess I would talk to my daughter and give her any support she needs. Getting in the middle likely won't help. Safety would be the only reason I'd ever intervene. Strictly support.
 
Sorry for the situation, Old Man. Like others have said, being a step-parent is challenging and I don't envy your daughter's position. My advice to you would be to stay out of it; sometimes our well-meaning behavior simply backfires on us. Support your daughter if she needs it, but other than that don't intervene.

Or... just do what you feel is right. None of us has the answer I'm afraid.
 

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