What we expected from our missus when we married them, (and vice versa!)

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
Talked about a lot on this forum, (I'm the biggest culprit of course), but here goes,......, "What did we expect when we married"?

Below is what an expert thinks we should know about our potential partners before marrying, though I'd guess most of us dont follow such rules very strictly, (though on other threads some have suggested sensible ways of doing essentially the same thing, weighing everything up as well as can be expected before "taking the plunge"!).

As far as I can remember I guess I was a bit old fashioned in my thinking, though not going so far as to some work mates of mine who still expected their dinner on the table waiting for them when they got home from work!

I did think love should last for ever though, and however this is achieved, or possible, always thought of first before anything else, (if that makes any sense?).

Though not expecting my food on the table I do admit when my wife left I found some of the household duties a slight come down having to do them myself, (dont pillory me for that I'm just being honest).

I expected and of course wanted to start a family before this became less likely to be successful, and I cant say whether or not I expected to be loved.

My brother told his wife "if she put him first then she would get more in happiness in return", and there marriage seems to have been a great success, (whether he was right to lay out this course for her or not! :) ).

Now for the experts views on what we should all know for you to pull apart:

Question #1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question #2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question #3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question #4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means, and through what efforts?

Question #5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question #6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question #7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question #8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question #9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question #10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question #11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question #12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question #13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question #14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question #15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question #16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question #17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question #18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question #19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question #20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?
 

Last edited:
Can't say what the missus was expecting when she married me, but, myself... I'd have been under the dirt a long time ago had I not met her. ❤️ This I am sure of.
One time, while listening to some music "Once in a Blue Moon" by Earl Thomas Conley came on and she said, "Oh, that's our theme song, so there is that. ;)
 
grahamg said:
Talked about a lot on this forum, (I'm the biggest culprit of course), but here goes,......, "What did we expect when we married"?

Below is what an expert thinks we should know about our potential partners before marrying, though I'd guess most of us dont follow such rules very strictly, (though on other threads some have suggested sensible ways of doing essentially the same thing, weighing everything up as well as can be expected before "taking the plunge"!).

As far as I can remember I guess I was a bit old fashioned in my thinking, though not going so far as to some work mates of mine who still expected their dinner on the table waiting for them when they got home from work!

I did think love should last for ever though, and however this is achieved, or possible, always thought of first before anything else, (if that makes any sense?).

Though not expecting my food on the table I do admit when my wife left I found some of the household duties a slight come down having to do them myself, (dont pillory me for that I'm just being honest).

I expected and of course wanted to start a family before this became less likely to be successful, and I cant say whether or not I expected to be loved.

My brother told his wife "if she put him first then she would get more in happiness in return", and there marriage seems to have been a great success, (whether he was right to lay out this course for her or not! :) ).

Now for the experts views on what we should all know for you to pull apart:

Question #1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question #2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question #3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question #4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means, and through what efforts?

Question #5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question #6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question #7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question #8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question #9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question #10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question #11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question #12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question #13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question #14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question #15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question #16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question #17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question #18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question #19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question #20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?
Click to expand...
It would be all too easy to laugh, then wave this list of questions off as being...I don't know...too idealistic, too specific, too simplistic. However, all these questions are relevant and legitimate, and deserve consideration by the prospective couple. Thing is, the dynamic changes after the marriage, people change the way they view the relationship, the way they view their spouse, the way they view themselves.
So, the answers to these questions are bound to change as well. The marriage just takes continuous work by both parties. There are no guarantees, no "magical" techniques for optimizing a given relationship.
 
helenbacque said:
Marital love is a fragile plant that needs constant care and attention from both or it will wither and sometimes die. Marriage is a contract, love is not. You cannot ... legislate it.
Click to expand...
And yet, it is legislated. Marriage and divorce are encumbered by laws, and, imo, who you live with and who you separate from shouldn't be the business of either the state or federal gov't. A lady should call a cop if the ex takes her car on the way out, but beyond that, their "irreconcilable differences" should be their business alone.

Just wanna mention, child custody and visitation has its own set of rights and legal procedures, separate from marriage. Those could use some changes, but they are necessary.
 
Hubby and I have a lot in common in some ways and are poles apart in others. Our marriage would not have survived after the children were grown if it were not for Marriage Encounter where we learned to communicate at a very deep level.

Apart from communication we learned that our marriage vows need renewal every day. A lifetime commitment is built one day at a time. We learnt the importance of writing love letters to express our deepest and most painful feelings without blaming the other for how we feel.

The result of all of this is that our marriage evolved from a legal contract to a spiritual bond and that is why it has survived to this day.
 
Murrmurr said:
And yet, it is legislated. Marriage and divorce are encumbered by laws, and, imo, who you live with and who you separate from shouldn't be the business of either the state or federal gov't. A lady should call a cop if the ex takes her car on the way out, but beyond that, their "irreconcilable differences" should be their business alone.

Just wanna mention, child custody and visitation has its own set of rights and legal procedures, separate from marriage. Those could use some change
Click to expand...

NONE of that actually has anything to do with LOVE. Those are all just contractual items.
 
oldaunt said:
NONE of that actually has anything to do with LOVE. Those are all just contractual items.
Click to expand...
Yeah, most states (if not all) require you to get a license to marry. When you sign it, you're signing a contract. I don't know with whom; either the gov't or your soon-to-be spouse.

My point is that love is a personal matter and it's ridiculous (to me) that it's regulated by laws and requires any kind of contract. Co-habitants can already file agreements and/or contracts to protect their money and stuff, so marriage laws seem entirely superfluous to me...just a source of money for lawyers and states.
 
Warrigal said:
Hubby and I have a lot in common in some ways and are poles apart in others. Our marriage would not have survived after the children were grown if it were not for Marriage Encounter where we learned to communicate at a very deep level.

Apart from communication we learned that our marriage vows need renewal every day. A lifetime commitment is built one day at a time. We learnt the importance of writing love letters to express our deepest and most painful feelings without blaming the other for how we feel.

The result of all of this is that our marriage evolved from a legal contract to a spiritual bond and that is why it has survived to this day.
Click to expand...
What you wrote touched me, @Warrigal! My husband and I used to say what we loved about each other on a regular basis (e.g. you are kind, intelligent, handsome, etc). This was an affirmation of our love. We also wrote cards to each other on holidays and birthdays. I still have his cards and look at them often.
 
I “expected” nothing
If he did, he never told me!

We met...love at first sight
All I saw were his beautiful eyes and gorgeous smile
Three months later, we were engaged
Six months after that married
Two years later had our first beautiful baby
Still in love 35 years later

All you need is love to make the magic last (for us anyway) :love:
 
Murrmurr said:
Yeah, most states (if not all) require you to get a license to marry. When you sign it, you're signing a contract. I don't know with whom; either the gov't or your soon-to-be spouse.

My point is that love is a personal matter and it's ridiculous (to me) that it's regulated by laws and requires any kind of contract. Co-habitants can already file agreements and/or contracts to protect their money and stuff, so marriage laws seem entirely superfluous to me...just a source of money for lawyers and states.
Click to expand...
You missed the point. NONE of that has anything to do with love. You can do ALL that stuff without love ever being involved. LOVE is the part that gets you past all that and makes it not matter. Love isn't a contract or agreement, its a state of being.
 
Murrmurr said:
Yeah, most states (if not all) require you to get a license to marry. When you sign it, you're signing a contract. I don't know with whom; either the gov't or your soon-to-be spouse.

My point is that love is a personal matter and it's ridiculous (to me) that it's regulated by laws and requires any kind of contract. Co-habitants can already file agreements and/or contracts to protect their money and stuff, so marriage laws seem entirely superfluous to me...just a source of money for lawyers and states.
Click to expand...
You'd have to look a long way back to reach a time when English law had nothing to say about relationships between a man and a woman who in some way or other decide to live together, (often following some kind of public ceremony).

However, like you I sometimes question whether the institution of marriage has any value, although I'd frame things differently, arguing easy divorce devalues it.

"Moving on" I'm glad a few folks commenting on the thread feel the list of questions taken from "an experts" website, has some relevance, though I think I'm too big a fool when it comes to love to believe I'd consider any of those things unfortunately! :( :)
 
oldaunt said:
You missed the point. NONE of that has anything to do with love. You can do ALL that stuff without love ever being involved. LOVE is the part that gets you past all that and makes it not matter. Love isn't a contract or agreement, its a state of being.
Click to expand...
I don't understand how you keep missing my point, which is exactly the same as yours. I reiterate, marriage laws are ridiculous.
 
grahamg said:
You'd have to look a long way back to reach a time when English law had nothing to say about relationships between a man and a woman who in some way or other decide to live together, (often following some kind of public ceremony).
Click to expand...
Doesn't matter how far back, marriage shouldn't be legislated or regulated. I suppose it made sense back when there was no separation of church and state, and the crown represented church, or whatever, and, of course, new laws have replaced old ones here and there. But still, imo, there's no justification for gov't involvement in people's relationships.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top